This is the funniest thing that has happened…forever. When I first saw it I actually laughed so much that I started crying. Now, even half an hour later, I keep lapsing into fits of stupid giggles at the recollection.
It goes like this. I was asked for a CV today, for journalism-related purposes, and I realised I didn’t have one on this laptop. So I had to rewrite one, and go and track down a bunch of URLs for old articles of mine online. One of the stops was Citysearch, where I have a stack of old music reviews that I haven’t looked at since they were posted. Now, some of you might remember a middle-of-the-road pop-rock band called Taxiride from ten years or so ago. One of the members, Jason Singh, tried to reinvent himself as an electronic artist by teaming up with a producer called Todd Watson to release a by-the-numbers club anthem under the cunning pseudonym ‘Todd Watson and Jason Singh’. Catchy. Not sure if it worked or not, I didn’t keep tabs. But I got sent the single, and gave it the unflattering review I thought it deserved, as well as having a bit of a dig at Taxiride. (Come on, who wouldn’t?)
I thought nothing more of it until the review popped up today and I noticed there were some comments on it. So I checked them out, and…Jason Singh himself had found the article and left an irate response about what an arsehole I am. Seriously! It’s. Fucking. Hilarious. Here it is in all its glory. (Jason, if you’re Googling yourself again, then… hi.)
Jason Singh
June 09, 2009This is the first time i have ever commented on a review in my whole career, but i couldn’t resist! Mr Lemon probably hasn’t walked into a club since he was wearing flares! For your information … Taxiride had 8 top 40 singles, were 5 times platinum, and are the only Australian band ever to have 2 number 1 radio tracks. one in 2000 and one in 2002! … nothing in the ’90s. What have you done? If you would like to meet up for a musical lesson, feel free to give me a buzz. If not, enjoy your time in you study thinking about why you weren’t good enough to make it as a musician!
Hahahaha! Several things I love. I love that he presumes I’m a failed musician rather than, say, a writer. Ok, you got me. I played saxophone when I was thirteen and then I got bored. I lament it daily. I love that because I don’t like his song, I must therefore be an old fogey who doesn’t understand young people’s music. Hmm. Jason Singh was born in 1973. He is in fact a full decade older than me. He can actually remember flares. I can remember phat pants. And I can tell you the clubs were pretty sweet in those days. I love his take on chronology. Taxiride were formed in 1997, and became well-known with an album released in 1999. To the best of my arithmetical knowledge, it is fair to categorise both of these as years in the late 90s. I love that they’re the only Aussie band ever to have two Number 1 hits. Hmm again. Sherbet beat them to it by 25 years. Though I agree Daryl Braithwaite shouldn’t be acknowledged as part of human history. I love that he defends the band via sales. Yes, they sold a lot of records. So did Savage Garden and Delta Goodrem. Selling fewer records were The Angels and The Saints and Crowded House. Who would you rather belong to? Plus bear in mind that during that same era, substantial numbers of people voted repeatedly for the likes of Amanda Vanstone, Phillip Ruddock, and Sarah-Marie off Big Brother. The good sense of the wider Australian public has never been something in which to have an inordinate amount of faith. Lastly, I love that he has supposedly never commented on a review in his life, but that I managed to inadvertently piss him off enough to claim this particular honour. That, my friends, is feedback. God I feel validated right now.
See, I did wonder from time to time whether the artists I was writing about ever read these things. Generally I figured they didn’t. I didn’t picture Bono weeping in his castle because I said his new track was derivative. I figured people in bands would have better and more important shit to do than stress over this stuff. And I have this reflex illusory idea of the internet as so big that I’m way off in a secluded corner, and that no-one will read my writing except five of my friends. Today I found out that when you Google ‘Todd Watson and Jason Singh’ the first result you get is my review. So in the end, perhaps not that surprising that he stumbled across it. But the fact that he did, and was pissed off enough to want to fight me about it, was just so absurd I completely lost my shit.
Anyway. Once I finished weeping with laughter, it occurred to me that maybe some of my other posts had harvested a bit of commentary gold in the last year or so. Indeed they had, mostly from people defending stuff that I’d canned. Not that all my reviews are negative – actually I was surprised by the number of positive ones, given some of the dreck I had to trawl through. But the only argument with a positive review was “Worst song ever. Cringeworthy,” after I’d given Ben Lee a lukewarm thumbs-up. Arguments with negative reviews though? Here are a few of my favourites, spelling and grammatical errors the authors’ own.
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kyle: re 3OH!3
July 15, 2009
you must have gotten the wrong disc or youre totally stuckup and stuff. this is the most addicting cd i have ever heard bar none. if youre listening to it for the next great lyrical masterpiece move on but as something i would recommend this is number one on my list.
nuffy: re Jason Singh
May 07, 2009
Seriously!!! i know your entitled to your opinion…its much much better than some of the rapper bad boy crap we are forced to listen to keep it up Jason
[Jason will write nice things on Nuffy’s Myspace page now. Thanks Nuffy.]
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Melanie: re Karl Broadie
May 31, 2009
Sounds like jaded Geoff Melon needs a hug. This is a beautiful album..
tim miller: re The Feelers
February 01, 2009
i know how to play every feelers song and they rock p.s.you wrote weapons wrong!!
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wjdelliep: Damien Leith
November 22, 2008
I happen to love Damien;s selection of music and would to hear more from a Xmas album . This writer sounds like a dis effected young hoodlum!
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Awesome. Just awesome. Jason, Nuffy, everybody…you Changed the World As I Know It. Or at least you made me laugh my arse off. This dis effected young hoodlum can only say, thank-you. I will try to be less stuck up and stuff in future.
If you want to read the offending review, you can find it here.
Heathen Scripture 
Brilliant.
Geoff Melon, breaking the hearts of failed pop-stars everywhere.
You should put that on your CV.
Taxiride… They go orright with their guitars.
But a tip: If you get a gig playing for a Boozer full of soldiers, don’t go and smoke fucking weed under the portrait of the Queen. Or, if you do, lock your instruments in your van first.
And Jason: obviously YOU lacked the vim e vigour to actually be a man, so you were part of a mediocre pop group. You want lessons on that? Come see me, and like a computer, I’ll punch the info in.
Was Melon a funny play on your last name comparing you to 1970s tits? That one is probably Jason Singh too.
.Aaaaahahahaha! Well done, sir. Well done. Vanilla Ice and his public apology for his career was a nice touch.
dis effected?
Hahahahahaha! GOLD! I once gave a band a shit review (cos they were, um, shit) and they all signed up to FasterLouder and went psycho on the forum. I assert that they would have better spent their time learning how to be a good band. What a crank.
I like how this Geoff Melon character is saying how Jason can’t Singh. And how Todd Whatsong tries to pick the right tunes for a crowd pleasing result.
They should have called themselves “Sing N’ Whatsong” (see wat I did there?)
Ahahaha! (again! I can’t believe how many good belly laughs I’ve had out of this.) Fox, that’s brilliant. Send it on to them. Then maybe their Google searches can be free of the black stain of my opinion. For everyone’s reference, I just listened to the song again on YouTube. It’s still not very good.
Dis effected clearly means that I effected a diss on whichever band it was.
Mr Lenton, good to know you’re still alive and well out there. I shall update my resume accordingly.
I have had similar experiences with technology fanboys. I once wrote a comment criticising Nokia which went out as a press release and was picked up by some Nokia-philic bloggers (and their commenters). It was pretty funny. Fanboys are idiots, no matter what they’re fanboys of.
Hahaha…People get fired up over Nokias? Really? The lamer the thing that they’re fanboys of, the funnier it gets. But this is like getting Olli-Pekka Kallasvuo himself down on the message boards saying “Hey! We make real good phooooones! Your a dumhed!!!1!!1!!”
… so original/innovative and like not rehashed crappy 90s house (not even half-decent 90s house). I particularly enjoyed the random synth-claps, “pew-pew” and epic WHOOOSH sounds.
Actually, calling you “stuck up and stuff” is really sweetly quaint. I kind of love it.
Oh man you better believe they read their own reviews. Some friends of mine went down to Melbs to play a few gigs and while they were there the support band frontman came up to them and let them know just how unhappy he was about the review I wrote of his band. Told them I should be paying more attention to the music and less attention to his electric blue boots because obviously I hadn’t been paying attention when I said he sucked but his boots were good.
Hah! I would have paid attention to his electric blue boots. I want some electric blue boots. I didn’t know I wanted them until you wrote that, but now my life is incomplete.
But yes, I always figured that local bands read their live reviews, and perhaps I’m more tactful in those situations. I just didn’t imagine that more commercial acts would bother. Like I mentioned, I don’t imagine Bono sits there Googling all his reviews. But when those commercial artists are sitting on web forums insisting how successful and popular they are, perhaps it gives a little indication of just how successful and popular they are.
You know this page comes up on the first page – result # 7 – when you type Jason Singh into Google? Gold!
Nice review. Just listened to the track, very derivative but the underlying music isn’t that bad. The cheesy italian piano-forte hook is completely generic, but still fun-inducing. But I’m a sucker for cheese.
And then the vocals start, and I suddenly understand what you meant.
Gold indeed 🙂 Yeah, you know I’m a cheese fan too. Rewind to the Paul van Dyk era for proof of that one. And like I said, the music’s ok. It’s just, like Cherny was alluding to, it could have been lifted from any 15-year-old girl’s mid-90s generic house album. But it was the self-important vocals and all the ‘whoosh’ effects that got to me. Zoom! Zoom! We’re flying through space! Jason Singh is the Neo of commercial radio! Whoosh!