Robert Doyle is a fucking cunt

This morning on a certain social media site, I wrote, “Hey Robert Doyle. You’re a fucking cunt. That is all.” I did this because I think Robert Doyle is a fucking cunt. I also did it because the idea of addressing this information to him directly was pleasing, even in the form of a mock address. Various people immediately unsubscribed from receiving my updates (‘unfollowed’, if you’re in the know). The interesting question is how such people came to be following me in the first place. If someone is a) a Robert Doyle fan, or b) offended by phrases like ‘fucking cunt’, they probably shouldn’t be around my conversation at any time.

If you by chance are a Robert Doyle fan or offended by phrases like ‘fucking cunt’, then you’re a bit late, because I’ve already said ‘fucking cunt’ six times including that last one. And have linked the phrase directly to Robert Doyle. But you should probably still bail out now, because although I haven’t written it yet, I have a feeling this article will contain further instances of both these things.

If you’re not a) a Doyle fan or b) offended (i.e., if you are a reasonable person) then on we go. Of course, you may still want to sidetrack this into a debate about whether using ‘cunt’ as an insult is terribly sexist and cetera. Eric Dando’s  wonderful short story ‘Beautiful Useful Things’ contends that since cunts are the beautiful useful things of the title, the word should be high praise. (Some parts of the story are online here.) I tend to agree, and try using it in affectionate contexts as often as possible. Still. As TISM told us, there’s a big difference between a cunt and a fucking cunt, and this morning, I couldn’t think of any pithier way to describe what Robert Doyle is.

Here’s why. Robert Doyle is the mayor of Melbourne, and a failed human being of the highest order. His mediocrity in all pursuits is so impressive as to almost elevate him beyond the bounds of mediocrity. But not. His inherent ability to suck draws him back down. So Robert Doyle is not a fucking cunt in the way that someone like Phillip Ruddock was a fucking cunt. Phillip Ruddock was awful, relatively powerful, and dangerous. Robert Doyle is a useless fucking cunt.

I would say that “Robert Doyle first came to our attention in…”, but… he didn’t. He didn’t come to anyone’s attention. That’s something he’s never been able to do. Robert Doyle fell arse-backwards into the role of Victorian Opposition Leader for the Liberal Party back in 2002. Jeff Kennett had lost the previous election, spat the dummy like the petulant spotlight-hogger that he was, and quit. Lots of senior Liberals went with him, recognising that their days were done for quite some time. Only the dregs remained. Dennis Napthine then put in his bid to be the creepiest Liberal leader ever. He looked like a shifty cayman that had just discovered pomade, and no-one could listen to him speak for more than fifteen seconds without breaking out in hives. The fact that Napthine was even a contender showed what an awful state the party was in. Really he was the sacrifice, the Brendan Nelson, the guy to cop the damage of the previous loss, then be replaced. When he inevitably got the arse before the next election, there were still no other decent contenders. Enter the dullest man in politics, Robert Doyle.

Doyle was so dull he could have been captain of the Dullard Dulcimers Dullball team from Dulwich Village, Dullshire. Except captain would have been too interesting. He would have been the substitute who never got a game. At the time, my friend Rabbi and I were toying with the idea of starting a satirical newspaper. This never got off the ground, due to our alcohol intake and The Chaser emerging as a far better version of the same idea, but we did come up with some good content. Impressed by Doyle’s anonymity, one was the Liberal overthrow article titled “Napthine replaced by some guy.”

“Even deposed Liberal leader Dennis Napthine didn’t know who his replacement was. ‘I’ve never heard of him’, said Napthine. ‘Apparently he was some guy. That was enough to sound better than me. I voted for him.’”

“After speculation today that the new leader may have been Robert Doyle, even Robert Doyle denied knowing who Robert Doyle is.”

(This was probably my second-favourite piece we came up with. My favourite was when we reported, post-Tampa, that the Sri Lankan cricket team had been detained on arrival for a Test tour. “Australian vice-captain and wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist questioned the move, saying that detention seemed a harsh reaction to Muttiah Muralitharan’s suspect bowling action. Mr Ruddock later responded, saying ‘I don’t care if he’s got a correct action or not. He’s bloody well black, and he’s staying behind bars until he learns better.’”)

It was in office that Doyle’s predisposition to fucking cuntery began to make itself known. The guy was the definition of a windbag: huffing, hissing, complaining, a sheen of sweat constantly precipitating on that giant round head, like a big meat-balloon straining at its seams, sprayed down half-hourly with a solution of glycerine. Look at a bratwurst in a pan, greased and spitting and straining to split its skin – that’s Robert Doyle’s speaking face. He was haughty and irritating. He thought he knew better than everyone. It came as no surprise  to learn he’d been a teacher and administrator at Scotch College: he looked and sounded exactly the kind of dull disciplinarian who harked back to Tom Brown’s Schooldays for a simpler age when a bit of forcible buggery was what showed you the difference between boys and men.

He ran the Liberal Party into the ground, in a way that makes the Gillard government look sturdy and on course for victory. In the one election Doyle contested, the Libs won 17 of 88 seats. His approval rate as leader was polled at 15 percent. He was replaced, and quit after the next election loss in 2006.

Just the kind of stand-up guy that you wouldn’t want to lose to politics, right? So in 2008 he decided to contest for Lord Mayor of Melbourne. It was a hilarious portrait of an abject failure determined to try to claw out some kind of restitution, to find some balm for his abraded ego. He didn’t understand that Lord Mayor was a pointless ceremonial position that had been filled for years by a comedian using the alter ego of ‘John So’. Doyle took it seriously. It had ‘Lord’ in the title. It had robes and chains and shit. Finally he could be king of a crappy little castle.

And somehow – presumably because no-one thought to pay it the slightest attention – he won.

Since then, Doyle’s predilection for experimenting with various modes of fucking cuntaciousness has been expressed to its fullest extent. He’s like a washed up sprinter who, having failed at Olympic selection, and AIS selection, and state selection, and the university aths club, then gets in a drunken 100 metres challenge in the car park at the Mackay races and wins against two wasted cane-farmers and a blind kid, then runs around town for the next seven years yelling “Champion of north-eastern Australia!” He likes to think that he’s now important. He likes to think that we’ve all forgotten his burst colostomy bag of a career. Actually we mostly have, because nothing about him is memorable. But Doyle has not forgotten. His past burns at him like a superheated grass-burr lodged in his haemorrhoids. With every act and every word, Doyle is trying to compensate for the vividly-coloured tapestry of failure that is the conversation piece in the lobby of his life. He is shaking in a corner, rocking back and forth, masturbating furiously and whispering, “I’m important. I’m important. I’m important.”

So he struts about Melbourne like it’s a personal fiefdom. He comes up with stupid plans to get attention, grand visions for the city that apparently didn’t occur to him when he was… you know… in Parliament. He proclaims what kind of  people should and shouldn’t be allowed on his streets. He spends stupid amounts of money on marketing and new logos, while cranking up parking fines and enforcement to try to keep more cash coming in. And he talks. By god, that motherfucker just talks.

But this last week, we really got to see him being… well, a massive fucking cunt. As the Occupy Melbourne movement set up their protest in the city, he took it as a personal affront. Melbourne, you see, is his now. I’m the Mayor! I’m the LORD fucking Mayor, bitches! Look at my faux-fur! Look at my leopard spots! Look at my pendants! Yes, I look like a pimp out of a mid-90s ghetto movie send-up. Lick my stockings! Tell me I’m your Papa!

So how dare people who live in Melbourne and such, use the streets of their city as though they had a right to?

Now, I haven’t been in Australia the last couple of weeks. I’m following this from overseas. I don’t really get what Occupy is all about, and I’m not advocating for it. Personally it seems like yet another annoyingly amorphous protest movement, the same sort of thing that so royally gave me the shits at university. You’d walk past a rally against WorkChoices, and it would be full of people saving the whales and Jabiluka and abortions and the spotted quoll. Activists are very good at presumption, assuming that if you agree with one part of their agenda, you agree with all of it. Your support gets co-opted.

It sounds like there’s plenty of that going on with Occupy Melbourne – people treating it as the noticeboard to tack their particular grievance to. It sounds like the nutbars are amongst it, as they generally are. But it also sounds like there are plenty of sensible, reasonable people there, taking advantage of this opportunity to say that yes, business is too dominant a priority in government decision-making. Yes, companies are allowed to get away with things that would be criminal for individuals. Yes, industry has too much influence in Parliament. Just look at the mining giants felling a Prime Minister, or the political campaigns funded by industries against any reform they don’t like. No, our situation is not as bad as it is in the States. But our situation could turn sour very quickly.

Anyway. Regardless of the right or wrong of the argument being made, people in Australia have the right to protest. They have the right to assembly. At least, they theoretically have this right, but find that right ignored constantly by police whenever it suits police to do so.

And Robert Doyle, with that twitch in his pants that any school disciplinarian can’t resist, had another opportunity to have power over people. You’ve got detention. Your shirt isn’t tucked in. You’re going to get bashed on a public street by officers of the law.

So Doyle called in the cops, and told them to clear the protest out. One, he had no right to do it in the first place. Two, he didn’t bother trying to negotiate a compromise. Three, he knew it would get violent. Indeed, the whole purpose of it was to get violent. He wanted a show of force. He was spoiling for a fight. Four, we ended up with about 400 police, including riot squads and horses, to disperse less than 100 protesters.

And like a disingenuous tricky little cunt, he used the Queen’s visit as an excuse for his actions. Well, get fucked. This is our country, and this is what is happening in it. Why should the Queen be shielded from the reality of life in Australia? She is our head of state, after all. She really should be the first to know what’s actually going on.

The protesters, from the vision I’ve seen, behaved admirably. The police response was execrable. If you don’t believe me, try this clip from the bastion of socialist activism, The Herald Sun. 

In it, protestors passively sit or stand, arms linked, and refuse to move. Police hunt in packs, three or four of them charging someone, then dragging them out of the group by their head, neck, and arms. They drag them across the ground, injuring and frightening the hell out of them.  They do it to women as happily as to men. Tell me, if someone did that to your mate’s girlfriend on a night out, what would happen? Outrage? Yep. Punch-on? Probably. Press charges? No doubt. But because the assailants are acting under orders, it’s suddenly ok? The media reports include factoids like “two police were injured”, without mentioning that they were injured by their own pepper spray, being used on people who had not committed a crime, could not legally be arrested, and were not resisting.

This is police-state bullshit that has no place here. And yet it will be tolerated, and there will be an investigation, and some moustache will say “the officers were found to have behaved appropriately”, even though there are dozens of videos right there on the internet that show this is not true. The police will be allowed to get away with it because the police always are, and until that changes, all this talk of our freedoms is police-horse-shit.

“The time has come for us to return City Square to the people of Melbourne”, said Doyle. Hey Cuntcillor. Those are the people of Melbourne. That’s their city square. The city square being the place that for thousands of years has been a meeting place and a rally point, an exchange of information and ideas. Using that space is one of their basic rights. Your approval of the way they use it means three-fifths of jack-shit. Then there’s the other Doyle line: “there comes a time when you say okay you’ve made your point, time’s up.” Again: bullshit. There is no time limit on civil rights. How do you know what point they’re making? You haven’t even been willing to speak to them, to engage in the democratic process of which you are supposedly a part.

It’s the lack of outrage that’s the outrageous bit. The general reaction seems to be, hey, everyone has the right to free assembly and to protest. Oh, except that it’s a bit inconvenient when you do that, because it kind of gets in the way. So you have that right as long as you’re not in the way, and you have less of that right if we think you’re just a bunch of lefty ferals, and if you insist on that right then we have the right to get you roughed up and intimidated and hauled off by cops, even though we won’t charge you, because you haven’t broken any laws.

The real clincher, the sheep’s eyeball on the sewage sundae, was the vision of Doyle peering down from his office window at the chaos in the street below. The chaos he had decided to inflict. He looked for all the world like some wannabe French nobleman, watching his soldiers quell a peasant uprising. Not prepared to engage with the reality, but happy to watch from afar. Knowing he was safe and warm in his office as people were injured in the arena. What a cunt. He would do well to remember what happened to a lot of those French noblemen when the crowds in the street could no longer be quelled.

That image tells us everything we need to know. The violent response to Occupy is all about a man with delusions of grandeur. It’s a way for one crap official to get territorial about something he thinks is his. It’s a chance for Doyle, the most pathetic failure in Australian politics, to suddenly swing a fat salami around and imagine it’s his cock. Briefly, ever so briefly, he can pretend. Of course, we all know it’ll fade. We all know that he’ll come to his senses, in that post-climax pit of self-loathing, and see himself as he really is: a grotesque caricature of a man, corpulent and swollen, petty and pointless, standing naked in front of the mirror with some choice Don smallgoods hanging greasy from his mitt, no longer shielding him from the grim fact of his own inconsequence. He knows it too. That’s why he’s so bitter. That’s why he’s so desperate. That’s why for as long as his lungs hate him enough to let him keep on breathing, he’ll keep taking it out on the world by being the biggest utter fucking cunt he possibly can. And that’s why I wanted to tell him.

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184 Responses to Robert Doyle is a fucking cunt

  1. jabba says:

    Pfft… F*#@ing moustaches…

    • jacko says:

      Everyone has a right to protest, just not to set up a camp wherever the hell they want. Idiots.

      • Louise says:

        why not?

      • Mick Daley says:

        Exactly. Why not, jacko. Should they apply to you, or to some dickhead like Doyle, so they can be told no? So the status quo can continue and if people disagree they can squirt on facebook and leave it at that? Women didnt get the vote by sitting at home knitting and the Wall didnt come down cos Jacko decided it was high time. This is the kind of shit that changes things Jacko, so get off your Ten Commandments and read the news

        • Mick Daley says:

          Moreover, Geoff Lemon, much as I admire your attitude toward overripe capitalist bootlickers and general carpetbagging Pickwickian types, your naievete regarding the Occupy Whatever phenomenon is startling. Check out this article by someone who is a little better informed

          http://edition.cnn.com/2011/10/05/opinion/rushkoff-occupy-wall-street/index.html

          • SpecialK says:

            The ‘Occupy Whatever’ movement is directionless and lacks cohesion. They have no message (aside from ‘fuck people who have cash and/or jobs), making it difficult to be well-informed. I suspect once they decide what they’re about, Lemon and many others will be better able to form an opinion.

          • Mick Daley says:

            I suspect Special K’s opinion is a mish-mash of tabloid vituperation and other lazy condiments spoon-fed from the Doyle trough

          • SpecialK says:

            Not at all Mick, I actually wish they’d get their act together and decide on something meaningful so I could join in. At the moment their lack of conviction is uninspiring, however I support their right to protest regardless.

          • SpecialK says:

            Ewwww. Too many ‘their’.

      • Iosef says:

        Common Law, as adopted in Victoria in the 1870s say that he use of common ground allows it, so while they can’t set up camp “where ever they like”, the City Square is a place where they can.

      • fractious says:

        jacko, what part of “this is a public space” do you not understand?

  2. Jordi Cronin says:

    “Doyle was so dull he could have been captain of the Dullard Dulcimers Dullball team from Dulwich Village, Dullshire.”
    Whilst I respect the masterful use of alliteration I can’t help but take umbrage at the use of “Dulcimers”. I mean why degrade such a fantastic instrument by linking it with Doyle of all people.

    But in all seriousness, as usual it was a fantastic article that nailed something that needed to be expressed properly. What’s worse though is that most of this can be applied far beyond just Doyle and Melbourne. That people everywhere accept that the actions of the police who are supposedly acting in their favour are of good intention is hard to believe.

    “And yet it will be tolerated, and there will be an investigation, and some moustache will say “the officers were found to have behaved appropriately”, even though there are dozens of videos right there on the internet that show this is not true. The police will be allowed to get away with it because the police always are, and until that changes, all this talk of our freedoms is police-horse-shit.”
    A perfect summary of the whole affair.

    And you still manage to work fantastic humor into the mix as well.
    Would it that I could I would give you a standing ovation.

  3. Mon says:

    your writing pleases me.

    say it again..

  4. You forget that Mitchell had a campaign to get the sooky cunt a new job. “A real Lord MAyor” not that attention grabbing whore John So. Ha. How’d that work out for ya Melbourne.
    Also his terrible fucking habit of “my city”, which he seems too have gotten control of, how many tax payers dollars were spent on media managers to cure him of that disease?
    His pathetic hypocritical promise of no junkets, of which he has now taken many.

    Just another hypofuckingcrytical Liberal cunt, of which there is no end. He has just been forced to take his petty fucking cuntery into local politics. Say one thing to get themselves elected, then go onto general cuntery once elected.

    • geoff lemon says:

      Tisk. Language, please.

    • I love cunts, and I love fucking and I love fucking cunts and I hate Robert Doyle and his actions over the occupation are reprehensible. your use of misogynist language stopped me and others from sharing your article – and reduced the healing and inspiring power of your otherwise brilliant language. Hate is a strong force that needs to be tempered with respect to work as a weapon against evil.

      • Seconded. Bell-end, knob, prick or wanker would have gotten this shared. Why must ‘cunt’ be the pinnacle of insults? I’ve never met a cunt I didn’t like, but I’ve met a lot of wankers I don’t.

        • So three of your four suggested alternatives are again gender-specific. Nice double-standard. Arsehole, maybe?

        • t-girl says:

          I think it is the general sound of the word, more than anything else, that gives it such gusto! I have a cunt, just as many a dick has a cock. But I love to use words of all genitalia for expression. Calling him a Vagina would possibly be even funnier though. Don’t discriminate against my Vagina, not only penis words have power! Equal rights for ‘rude’ words. Oh and apparently I can’t use ‘gay’ to describe something either, but frankly if I am feeling Gay that is my prerogative and has nothing to do with my genitals or where I put them.

        • David Heslin says:

          So, basically, insults involving male genitalia are fine, but not female genitalia?

          Sexist.

      • Cunt is a homophone. Like rose and rose, root and root, tacky and tacky and tender and tender. Language changes. It’s just a word. And you all know it. Stop being uptight white honky offence sniffer pigs. Great people do things, average people talk about doing things and small people find fault with things others have done. Stop acting like cunts and try getting your little moment on the attention sun lounge by something other than pointing and telling the teacher that ‘Geoff Lemon used a rude word.’ Provincial losers. As bad as Robert Doyle. You heard me.

  5. Vincent says:

    I regularly lose faith in this horrible country, nay, world. But everytime I read your articles, I remember that there are half decent people out there. Thanks Geoff :D

  6. melbo says:

    I feel thoroughly cleansed by the laugh I just had reading this. Damn, it’s what I’ve always thought about him. Every time he opens his mouth I know it will just be another joke without a punchline.

  7. reb says:

    “Your comment is awaiting moderation”

    What, after reading that post!!!????

    LOL!! :)

    • geoff lemon says:

      True story. All comments are vetted, just to weed out the 1000-word essays and CapsLock bits. As it happens, though, I will be leaving off your other comment. I’m all for criticising individuals who deserve it, but not too hot on random racial slurs.

    • banshee says:

      Lol! I guess mine is too. But I won’t be sharing this rant. Too bad, because after the self-indulgent “I’ll use whatever words I want!” (*stamps foot*) intro, the post actually became interesting.
      I don’t think the c-word is as nearly offensive in Australia as it is here in the States, where it is directed only at women. It’s a verbal blow here, not just a casual putdown.
      That being said, I liked the gusto with which the author engages the English language.

  8. swanee says:

    Thanks for leaving me with the terrible imagery “of a grotesque caricature of a man, corpulent and swollen, petty and pointless, standing naked in front of the mirror with some choice Don smallgoods hanging greasy from his mitt”. I’ll never be able to go the deli again without imagining a naked Robert Doyle. Shudder!

  9. Greybeard says:

    Very good Master Lemon. While your language was a trifle tentative and even understated, the general thrust of your essay and accurate characterisation of its subject more than compensated. 9/10 and a Gold Star.

  10. louisewsmith says:

    Geoff, you’re my hero.

  11. Rabbi says:

    The salami imagery was just brilliant. Robert Doyle really is a pathetic failure of a man, bleating on about his relevance long after his party has ended (although I’m not sure his party would have been well-attended in the first place).

    Viewing the footage you are struck by the fact that what is happening is either a systemic failure of police training and command control (if the individual police members were acting within the scope of their operational commands and training) or simple assault by individuals acting who were carrying out their jobs in a way that exceeds the authority conferred upon them by the State. Either way,the actions of the police should be immediately subject to review from outside the control of police command – possibly a commission headed by a former judge, or a respected former parliamentarian if required. How about Malcom Fraser? He was a Liberal prime minister, so you can’t say he’d be entirely out to beat up on the police.

  12. Alix Cameron says:

    Thank you

  13. Margaret Foley says:

    Haha! Enjoyed your missive immensely!

  14. Kimmo says:

    Yes to all of the above.

    Brilliantly vituperated.

  15. che says:

    A violent response often seems and is a man with delusions of grandeur. Take care.

  16. lazy_boo says:

    Superb piece of vitriol, truly brilliant.
    Funny, and yet the issues you point out are things we all should be extremely worried about.
    Fabulous work, so good I managed to not cringe my way through all the c words. You continue to inspire.

  17. http://knifey-knifeyard.blogspot.com/2011/10/regarding-occupy-melbourne-protests.html

    Hey, I have a slightly differing point of view to you, but I have linked this post to my blog because 1. You’re so totally right about Doyle, and 2. I’m not averse to having my views challenged regarding police tactics in the situation (I’m a Protective Services Officer, who used to be the nonviolent action coordinator for The Wilderness Society/North Queensland Conservation Council/The Environmental Defenders Office.)

    Thanks for your insight!

    • Stacy says:

      Your blog post mirrors my point of view almost exactly.

      I was speaking with my Mum on Friday evening about the protests and you got it spot on what her reaction to the whole thing was. I asked her how she would have felt if all the protesters had been wearing suits and were well groomed and she said she would have been much more receptive to their message. She also stated that more good would have been done if they had encouraged people to write letters to their local members and encouraged boycotting of the things they claim to hate.

      My Mum is an average, conservative Australian. She has many issues with the way this country is governed too. Winning over her generation would make a powerful ally in a protest for change. But firstly, they might need to work out what they’re protesting about in the first place.

  18. Trevor McCarron says:

    Keep it up. Keep swinging hard.

  19. Agree with the sentiments, if not the language (it wasn’t strong enough)

  20. Louella H says:

    LOVE IT !

  21. jaminism says:

    Next time I have an audition that requires a ten minute monologue, I’m using this. I reckon I’d get a nice good lather up on this one.

  22. Dominic says:

    Largely agree. Especially agree with your comments about Doyle (some great one liners).

    However, there are two points you make that irk me. Firstly, the less bothersome of the two points, the police are working people like you and I. The uniforms, the linking of arms and the “us vs them” mentality seems to mask the fact that we’re all human. It’s like a game of “cops and robbers” but played out by adults. Some can’t resist this game and so join in the fray – I believe the number of police and protesters increased as the violence escalated. People love to be involved – both sides are guilty of being overzealous in adopting their societal roles.

    Second point. The area under “occupation” is limited, it’s finite. Whilst the right to assembly is an important one, I dislike the fact that a number of cultural festivals were bumped to allow for the protests. I’m sure a number of businesses nearby would also have suffered due to the protests. It’s a tricky situation and one that is not as simple as you espouse it to be.

    Cheers.

    • W says:

      Most police are working class that think they’re middle class, they’ll defend what they THINK is theirs. It’s them that think the uniforms (& the guns & the batons & the tasers & the sprays & the armoured personnel carrriers they now own for no good reason) set them apart. The militarised combat boots & one-piece uniform that have become everyday wear for them. I’ve just come back from Europe & even the french police didn’t display this wannabe-soldier mentalilty I see here, though no country I went through seemed to match Australian police’s lack of required fitness. We now have dull thugs policing us, supported by that old-skool Aussie mentality that swings too far right too often & allows those in power to abuse it. Shame, we have a great country but we’re losing it.

    • Mick says:

      Nice in theory Domininc. The reality, if you’ve ever been in the front line of a protest, is that cops are violent, malicious, vindictive and better fiction writers than most current purveyors of vampire pop. They also share a political consciousness wih the likes of the racists on trains recently featured in youtube vids. There are excedptions, but the game of cops and robbers is largely pursued by they, and their superiors, while protestors, in most cases, are simply trying to be the public voice of urgent issues that the majority of dumbed down, placid Australian TV-watchers ignore every day.

  23. Rumfa says:

    love your work Geoff..

  24. yerknickers says:

    Well put, Lemon. Was there at lunch, cam in hand, went back on the way home around 4.

    I said my $0.02 in Tweet form:

    reubenacciano Reuben
    @TedBaillieu Hey Ted – great work managing #occupymelbourne today! You fucking idiot. Riot squad not necessary at peaceful protest. Wanker.
    21 Oct Favorite Reply Delete

    reubenacciano Reuben
    @cityofmelbourne No offense to all the fine people I know who work there, but Bob Doyle really f*cked up today. Big time. #occupymelbourne
    21 Oct Favorite Reply Delete

    Blog with first-hand pics of protestors being hurled into horsehit tomoz at dyladad.wordpress,com…

  25. He is shaking in a corner, rocking back and forth, masturbating furiously and whispering, “I’m important. I’m important. I’m important.”

    Hahahaha

    That is all.http://heathenscripture.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/robert-doyle-is-a-fucking-cunt/#comment-form-load-service:Facebook

  26. Dan says:

    Victorians have rich history of standing up to authoritarianism. Do it again.

  27. Up-front political analysis like this should be done much more often. Mr-Rabbit needs your attention.

  28. Jaconley says:

    I’m in favour of the phrase ‘Fucked Cunt'; a person who by their actions betrays their own human dignity or the dignity of others. The Fucked Cunt is a worrying and increasing phenomenon, typically seen in the CBD & St Kilda on a friday night. Other places of frequence include the races, sales roles and many law firms. The Fucked Cunt is more a status than a being; all of us at some point in our lives have been Fucked Cunts. You know when. Whether it was the time you stole from the charity box or when you hit on your mate’s ex, Fucked Cunt behaviour is easily recognisable by all but the perpetrator and those that see value in what the Fucked Cunt is trying to achieve through his (misguided) conduct. But we must strive for the eradication of the Fucked Cunt. Tolerating Fucked Cunts denies us our ability to transcend our destructive animal nature (our humantity). May Fucked Cunts continue to be shamed in the home, office and streets by principled observers.

  29. Pingback: Robert Doyle : “Selfish rabble got what it deserved.” ORLLY? #occupymelb | slackbastard

  30. John Jacobs says:

    Ahh, so that’s the Mayor of Melbourne. I very nearly shared a sausage at the sizzle in Sydney’s Martin Place today where the lefty ferals have gathered to moan about everything shiny, until I discovered it was made from tofu and not whatever it is that sausages are supposed to be made from. As far as the occupy everywhere movement goes, I can’t seem to see it as anything but a non-specific protest about everything happening everywhere. By contrast, Sydney’s Mayor ‘Clover Moore’ is going to set up a WiFi hotspot so the protesters can blog the evils of capitalism from their new iPhone4S’s.

  31. As far as bile filled, vexatious character assassinations go, this is a master piece. Kudos.

  32. Tara Mitchell says:

    THANK YOU!!

    After seeing my friends beaten and sprayed and trampled and thrown about for standing still, and suffering the constant barrage of the bitter viciousness coming from the shortsighted lunatics on twitter (who are happy to watch and laugh, never thinking long enough to even form a real opinion on the movement itself, let alone the manner in which the police are used to silence dissent), THANK YOU for giving me much needed laughter, support and a bit of catharsis. Robert Doyle IS a big useless petty fucking CUNT, a fucking disgrace who will throw himself out of office when the reckoning comes.

    Meanwhile, today, at 5am the occupy Sydney protest was also brutally shut down, with only 5 minutes of warning of their “eviction” and 40+ arrests. Seems there are some fucking cunts up there too.

  33. Marian Wright says:

    I love you Geoff Lemon <3

  34. Legendary says:

    You are a legend. You remind me of how intelligent, educated and wise Australians can be when we actually try.

  35. I find this a great article but I object to the use of the c-word. I don’t know why it has become vogue or cool to use it.I’m not ashamed to say I’m Old School, I find the c-word abusive to women. In saying that I’m cracking up laughing. And Geoff we follow each other on Twitter and I asked to follow all those who think your bloody funny which you are. http://togsplace.blogspot.com/
    You’ve cheered me right up as I face open heart surgery this week. Keep making people laugh. And on Doyle it’s hard for a tryant to oppress people if their taking the piss out of him.
    Cheers

    John/Togs Tognolini

  36. Belle says:

    I had many friends around my age, early twenties, who were beaten, capsicum-sprayed, arrested, etc. Show me any situation where it is necessary to mace a 21-yr-old girl yelling that a bunch of policeman are half-killing her friends and I’ll show you a load of horse shit. It just makes my blood burn.

    I particularly appreciate your point that you don’t have to agree with the cause to protest the treatment.

  37. Bill Kidd says:

    Hey, you leave the spotted quoll alone, you dead cunt.

  38. Michael Driscoll says:

    I just have the image of him sitting in his office shakily masturbating into the Australian flag thinking how relaxing it is.
    Honestly the whole thing reminds me of transmetropolitan to a degree though god help us if it ever gets to that level.

    • T says:

      [I just have the image of him sitting in his office shakily masturbating into the Australian flag thinking how relaxing it is.]

      ROFLMAO

      and Geoff – golden work as always

    • Jimmy says:

      Robert Doyle is 50% Beast and 50% Smiler. I don’t know which side is more pathetic or dangerous…

  39. My only objection to your otherwise fine commentary is to equate someone totally unworthy of the comparison with a particularly enjoyable occupation and a place of great charm and delight.
    @deniswright

  40. That.

    Was pure genius.

    Fuck, man, I laughed so hard, I though I was going to have a heart attack.

  41. Steph says:

    ew. the toad wrote “how do these protesters explain the knives, hammers, bricks, bottles and flammable liquids that we found in their illegal tent city? What were they for?” in the Hun

    Oh gee, I don’t know – maybe, for preparing food? Holding the tents in place? Hammering tent pegs into the ground? To hold beverages in to drink (I’ve tried holding water in my hands for extended periods but then I discovered the bottle and my life was changed) and to cook on bbqs/do their hair/take off nail polish (flammable liquids covers quite a broad spectrum…) None of this matters a horses patootie unless they were using any of these objects to hurt or intimidate people which… oh look no one was.

    WHAT AN ARSEFACE.

  42. lachy says:

    I hope Doyle curtsies nice and low for the fucking queen. What a twat.

    • Jarrah says:

      Buwahahahahahahahaha!!

      He may find it hard to curtsie nice and low whilst masturbating into the Australian flag, butt he’ll give it a red hot go no doubt!!

  43. Ken Morris says:

    Love it….!

    (Not a very profound comment, but it’s how I felt.)

  44. kate reid says:

    Ripsnorter!

  45. marc says:

    Ahhhh, TISM…

  46. Natalie Recalcitrant says:

    You’ve brilliantly encapsulated this whole thing, even from overseas. LOVE this article times infinity. I’ve been having very similar discussions with friends the past few days, and had the pleasure of listening to Jello Biafra yesterday touch upon the issues.

  47. wonaldng says:

    “The real clincher, the sheep’s eyeball on the sewage sundae, was the vision of Doyle peering down from his office window at the chaos in the street below.”

    Anyone have this image? It seems the Herald Sun have done the city’s mayor a favor and removed, can’t find it on The Age, anyone? It’s a shot of Doyle at the window of his office and an assistant is looking out as well.

  48. Mandy Campbell says:

    Every time that fucktard (dis)graces my television screen I can’t help think him the biggest gumby that has ever walked in Australian politics. Thanks for summing him up so precisely.

  49. Krista Rados says:

    This article is just one insulting rant after another. It’s lucky then that Doyle deserves every word of it and more! Nice work as usual. Thanks for making my day!

  50. Lach says:

    I’d like to know how the fact that the protesters first said they’d move on when asked, and then flat-out refused to do so, fits into your article. As well, while the right to assemble and to protest is without dispute, the right to occupy is a lot more tenuous. I don’t have a “right” to pitch my tent on public land, and would expect to be moved on sooner or later. City Square is for everyone, not just the Occupy Melbourne protesters. And don’t tell me that because everyone was welcome, that makes it ok. What if people wanted to use the space without being part of the protest? Impossible.

    • Anfalicious says:

      The protesters make decisions through daily general assemblies requiring a consensus decision, the people there on Monday were different to the ones there on Friday, hence a different decision got made.

  51. Bron says:

    I’m never eating salami again.

  52. Marc Jonkers says:

    Mr. Lemon sir.
    Another excellent piece !

    Living in QLD I was not previously aware of the existence of aforementioned Robert Doyle (him of the cunt variety). However you have managed to bring this unsavoury character to life in vivid detail. I feel like I now know the cunt intimately, and my dislike is profound ! The mere smell of salami brings the images you so experty crafted back into my mind.

  53. Paul O'Farrell says:

    Geoff, Thank you for absolutely NAILING my very sentiment towards that cuntish failure of a human being (to borrow your line). My blood has gone well past boiling point over the last week listening to that psychopath’s damaging rhetoric that the simpleton hordes devour. Your articles are so refreshing and give me that spring in my step that required to go on fighting against nutjobs like him and his cronies. This was the article of the year for mine, No challenge!

  54. robot chicken says:

    Have you thought about emailing this fine piece of literature to Mr Doyle himself? Your arguments are so tight that in the name of getting this piece ‘through’ I would perhaps send it sans title?? Just an idea. Well done.

  55. saskia says:

    Sheer bliss to read your hilarious, insightful and brilliantly written piece … so glad I’ve found you … made my day.

  56. Daniel Best says:

    Yes, Doyle is a fucking cunt, but just think, the way we’re going we’re going to have a right fucking cunt running the country – say hello to Tony Abbott, a guy who’ll make John ‘Arsehole’ Howard look moderate. Now get back in the kitchen women, chain yourself to the sink, get pregnant, lose the shoes and don’t say anything when you get a belting. Welcome to Abbotralia.

  57. matt says:

    wah wah wah

  58. amca01 says:

    Very well said, and with just the perfect amount of invective. I loved it.

  59. shows how much i know, i thought we still had John So. Was disgusted with the police of course, didn’t know it was some goose called Bob calling the shots. Nice piece though, cheered me up a bit, been dealing with Marco dying at the MotoGP.

    a: Robert Doyle, who the hell is that?
    b: you know, that fucking cunt
    a: oh, him.

  60. Raili Simojoki says:

    Your writing is, as always, fairly fantastic but your division of the world into cunts and non-cunts is disappointing. Robert Doyle is a man with a tendency to become a pompous, unthinking bull frog with little notice. For example Swanston St (with a graceful turnaround when he realised he was outnumbered) and buskers. But there’s more to him that that… I just.. can’t…Like, from what I hear (I have no actual verifiable data here), he (generally) cooperates with the rest of the council. He admits mistakes. And mentors homeless people. This is sounding like a bit of a thin argument isn’t it? I just think it’s unhelpful to get on this rant horse. I don’t like the word cunt. Language does matter. Stuff that rolls of the tongue and feels cathartic isn’t always the best way to convey truth.

  61. Leonie says:

    The other week the entire city square was taken over by a commercial event for fashion week. I lost my spot where I sit to have lunch. Not sure how that fits with the City square being for the people of Melb.

    Your writing is a joy

  62. natascah gleeson says:

    another master piece. My favourite bits were the salami swinging and the lung hating. I need to find your book. You make me so happy. Some of it reminds me of ‘the thick of it’ which some how makes me happy too. Sometimes, only a cuss word will do.

  63. Nick Cook says:

    Funny writing about something not funny at all.

    I walked through the equivalent in Sydney, read some of their pamphlet material, only a few hours before the police broke it up early Sunday morning; just wanted to check it out really. Haven’t seen any footage that looked nearly half as nasty as the clip linked, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the very early timeframe wasn’t chosen precisely to limit the people around to document or escalate it all.

    Yes, they were taking up space, and I acknowledge that it may have been inconvenient for some people for them to do so, but whatever inconvenience they were causing could be no fair justification for any sort of police action; they were just nouveau dirt-bag hippies of the too many piercings, too dirty hair, too little meat in the diet variety, and their right to that space is as equal to any one else’s. The whole thing is a disgrace: that it would come to this, and that it would be dealt with in this way.

    Would love to know who the cunt was in Sydney who ordered it.

  64. I am not generally a fan of having my bits used pejoratively and I would really prefer not to have the image of Robert Doyle anywhere near a woman’s anatomy. However, Geoff, you are forgiven. Love a little invective in the morning, especially when it it erudite, eloquent and oh so essential.

  65. Paula says:

    Balanced, astute, great stuff.

  66. fractious says:

    Until I read this I’d never heard of Doyle. Given what he’s done and what our brave boys in blue did on his behalf I don’t think I could have come up with any other more descriptive terms than you did.

    That several tw@tterers decided to “unfollow” you says something about them – if it had been me I’d have kicked them out the virtual door rather than letting them walk. Presumably these tossers support what Doyle started and the brave boys in blue finished.

    I don’t know if anyone else remembers it, but your rant put me in mind of Billy Connolly and “Two Little Boys in Blue”
    (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBkxAFfDPmM)

  67. yerknickers says:

    My take here. http://ow.ly/76iFP

    Not as sweary, not as fun. Pretty long.

    A bit more critical of The Movement.

  68. Pingback: the twat responsible… « up, up and away

  69. Emma says:

    This was so spot on :D I loved the humour and insight, nice job! I agree with Robot Chicken – Robert Doyle needs to read this!

  70. Ian says:

    This one probably won’t make it on The Punch

  71. Burke says:

    I think Doyle’s right-wing, self-serving, self-involved and self-gratifying behaviour was well contrasted against the protesters left-wing, self-serving, self-involved and self-gratifying behaviour. I have no doubt that there were certain individuals there who were baying for a scrap. Granted the cops got out of hand and the Occupy Melbourne protesters were well within their rights but I think they did the equivalent of swinging their arms, fists closed, slowly advancing saying “if you get in my road and get hit it’s your own fault”. Yes, the protesters had rights which were violated but they also had responsibilities (which conveniently for them are not inalienable nor inscribed by law) which I think they were equally as contemptuous of.

  72. Philbo says:

    Inspire me (a bit more); how does the Melbourne Mayoral election cycle work, and when can we get him out? He’s on $156k a year + expenses according to http://www.melbourne.vic.gov.au/AboutCouncil/MayorCouncillors/Pages/LordMayor.aspx

  73. Greg says:

    It could be worse Geoff.

    Over here in Perth we are all being forced to wear cork underpants in an effort to stave off police officers trying to stick their digits up our anuses then parading us around naked using their new powers thanks to the Corpulent Cunt Canal Colin CHOGM Constable Capability Act. (I like alliteration too)

    As an added bonus he even moved one of our public holidays to coincide with the weekend so not only do we have to cower in our homes for three days in fear that excursions outdoors will lead to us being publicly humiliated and violated, the fucking cunt is docking us all some of our our holiday time as well.

  74. Anfalicious says:

    I think for the sake of posterity you should publish those two lost newspaper articles here.

  75. The magnitude of your resonance has left us all a little speechless. I particularly want to thank you for moderating comments (whilst including those who disagree with you) because the comment threads of the interwebs are usually almost as bad as the state of our corporatocracy and society. I was able to read all the way down to this box without wincing or vomiting. Thank you. Love, Hecate (proud to be the GOOD kind of fucking cunt because fundamental human rights and the extinguishing of the police state are more important to me right now than politically-correct non-sexist cursewords)

  76. David Lowery says:

    Before you replace Abbott, you gotta replace Ballieu. Before you replace Ballieu, you gotta get noticed…What better way to get noticed than invite the cavalry in to break up that awful protest….Besides, there were businesses there, businesses, they vote you know, and sometimes they donate to election campaigns as well…just saying, you know.

    • fractious says:

      “Besides, there were businesses there, businesses, they vote you know, and sometimes they donate to election campaigns as well…”

      Been ghost-writing for Hendo, have we:

      The Occupy Melbourne protests had turned parts of the Melbourne CBD into a moveable slum and disrupted numerous small businesses in the vicinity. The Sunday Age supported the demonstration, editorialising that “grassroots demonstrators do not threaten civic life, but in many ways enhance it”. Needless to say, businesses losing serious money each day have a different conception of grassroots democracy

  77. Cail says:

    I think you’ll find Doyle had every right to remove the protest from the site; the notice read references the Activities Local Law (found here: http://www.melbourne.vic.gov.au/AboutCouncil/CouncilProfile/LocalLaws/Pages/Activities.aspx )

    Not saying I agree with the actions, but he’s well within his legal rights.

  78. ash somers says:

    Watching the eviction made me cry. Reading your words made me laugh. Thank you! :)

  79. Jonathan says:

    I don’t use the c-bomb just because I object to using vaginas in a derogatory way. Vaginas are awesome.

    I agree with your sentiment about Robert Doyle, though, and if anything seeing that update reaffirmed why I continue to follow you.

  80. Joe Melfi says:

    Loved it – but you could have replaced the c-word with simply pussy – it would have been so much more delicious :-)

  81. Anna Shield says:

    Robert Doyle is a useless fucking cunt hence his interview in the Herald Sun on Sunday 23rd October never read pathetic, drivel crap. He listed the protesters had knives, gas cylinders, plates twisting it into something it wasn’t sinister they were all kitchen utensils u fucking moron. Also the so called eviction notice wasn’t official at all, it didn’t have even the local council logo. Doyle ur a disgrace to the human race.

  82. Joe Melfi says:

    If you enjoyed this article you can of course also forward this Letter to Robert Doyle: http://opaustralia.wordpress.com/about

  83. Naomi Anderson says:

    People peacefully sit in a public place to denounce the fact that business is more important than people. They are hurting business. They get beaten up and thrown out. Point proven.

  84. Anna Shiels says:

    He lauded himself a hero of the people & he knows what’s best for Melbirians he is pathetic. & disgrace to the human race.

  85. Fat Andy says:

    Thanks for alerting me to this fella’s existence…at last!, someone more inconsequential than myself :)

    I am now going to work on trying to erase all knowledge of this pestilential, putrescent, pathetic pus-filled pimple’s existence from my mind.

  86. Stu Penrose says:

    Thank you Geoff for eloquently expressing the way I feel about this

  87. A delightful romp through the career of Robert Doyle and some very sane and coherent writing on the subject of democracy. I can’t help but feeling we kind of had this coming from the moment we accepted terms like “pre-emptive strike” from the mouths of those with their finger on the red button. However, I think we’re waking up a little now.

    Thanks Geoff.

  88. Patrick Miller says:

    Thanks for the article and the cartharsis. You’re a sick cunt, mate.

  89. mattgbush says:

    Daily Telegraph hack Tim Blair is also a fucking cunt for cheerleading this shit. He Googles himself too.

  90. Michelle says:

    I’ve seen your blog posts reposted over at The Drum…something tells me I might not see this one over there :)

  91. Sarah Irving says:

    “He looked like a shifty cayman that had just discovered pomade”. Beautiful. Had trouble reading the rest after that, as I was too busy tearing up and giggling.

  92. rebekka says:

    I have a problem with some of your language.

    Viz “He looked like a shifty cayman that had just discovered pomade…”

    Either you meant caveman, or you’re being racist about natives of the Cayman Islands, in which case you need a cap C.
    :-P

    • jabba says:

      Or he was referring to a dodgy, half-arsed not-quite-a-croc-but-not-really-a-gator littoral reptile… with a shitty hairdo.

  93. Joshy Bug says:

    Delightful sir. Absolutely amazing. Hilarious. Informed. Spot on. 5 gold stars and a red frog for you. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at the image of a sweaty sausage man sadly masturbating in the fetal position. Genius.

  94. But how do you really feel about him?

  95. Wozz L Gummich says:

    What we have here my friends is a case of “The pot calling the kettle black”.

    Do you smell like the rest of your pseudo-hippie (or should that be hipster) friends?

  96. louise says:

    This link was shared through facebook, a firsthand account from an arrested protester;

    nicocoinicon.wordpress.com

    Worth a read to fill out the bigger picture….

    Thanks for the post, though generally not a fan of news-entertainment, this was both informative, relevant and grippingly funny!

  97. gef05 says:

    Well, I live in the US and have never heard of this Doyle fellow before.

    But I now know a lot about him, including the fact that he is a cunt. A fucking one, by all reasonable accounts.

    A good read. But I really must add – why the fuck don’t more Australians react with a bit of anger over what happened?

  98. Jen says:

    Jolly good Geoff, thoroughly enjoyed the read and am more than happy to take the place of one of your misguided unfollowers. However I must say I too am very confused about the concept of cunt as a negative, unpleasant thing. The sentiment “a cunt is different from a fucking cunt”, also grates a lot…… whilst a cunt is indeed a lovely thing, one that is in the process of achieving orgasm (ie.fucking) is even lovelier particularly if your member has the pleasure of sharing the experience.
    How about we replace the word cunt (in it’s negative connotation) with Doyle. Two birds Geoff…two birds…… xx

  99. i am mentioned in this article but i must confess i didn’t know who robert doyle was until just now… i just want to say that even if you don’t use the c-word very often – the reality is that it is frequently used in a variety of contexts by everybody else. The idea that words like this aren’t in everyday use is absurd. I work in special education and if i am not called a cunt at least once a day i know i must be doing something wrong.

  100. R says:

    Too funny
    and too real

    Someone needed to say it

  101. R says:

    And well said!!

  102. George says:

    Dear Geoff,
    Thanks for getting it in one and sharing it with us – your eloquence is a welcomed gift. Keep exposing the cunts. BTW, the cunty Ying to Doyle’s cunty Yang is alive and well and walking around in Sydney’s Lord Mayoral robes.

  103. Old angry guy says:

    You are a genius sir. If I had a hat I would tip it to you.

  104. Leanne says:

    I find the term “fucking cunt” usually hilarious and often apt. The world is so full of fucking cunts these days, I think it’s appropriate that we embrace the term and get over this ridiculous hysteria about a word. And as we seem to agree on a lot of them, I’m now following you.

  105. Dog says:

    Thanks, I now at least know who Robert Doyle is. He does sound like a fucking cunt.

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  107. Lia says:

    This is, by far, the single greatest piece of journalistic writing i have ever read. Simply goddamn brilliant.

  108. Pingback: A review of this weekend of #OccupyMelbourne | usevalue

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  111. Andy says:

    What a Cunt…..

  112. Pingback: Occupy Melbourne v The Man #omel | slackbastard

  113. Pingback: Retweet Robert Doyle FC « 730reportland

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  116. Robert Doyle says:

    You’re a boring fucking cunt. Get a life you piece of shit.

  117. Queen of England says:

    Robert Doyle can get fucked.

  118. Queen of England says:

    On behalf of Australia, I congratulate you on your fantastic journalism.

    You deserve a medal.

    And Robert Doyle apparently doesn’t like free speech. He is the biggest liberal cunt, I dare say.

  119. Michael says:

    He’s not as much of a cunt as the people who voted him back in.

  120. Juliar says:

    You and most of the commenters could not do a better job if you or they tried. You represent all that is sad about ignorant voters. Forget about what he has done, just bad or should I say foul mouth him because you cannot articulate a reasoned argument. I dont like the guy but I bet he is doing a better job than you could do in your dreams, that is if you could get your nose out of the gutter. Try to grow up and put together a reasoned argument without resorting to foul language to grab attention.

  121. Greybeard says:

    Just read this again as some guy replaced Baillieu. Still just as good, heart-felt and heart-warming as when it was first written. Wisdom for the ages. Love ya work.

  122. marc says:

    Robert doyle is a poxy faced cunt

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  124. Tina says:

    Hahahahahaa pretty sure you will like this one – Warning: very funny – very rude – very catchy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0doSWS0Fj24

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