Apocalypse timezones confirmed! Three days to judgement…

Thank God for that. Family Radio was not forthcoming in response to my queries – no doubt they’ve got shit to do – but related organisation E-Bible Fellowship was good enough to get back to me with the information that will save us all.


From: EBiblefell​owship Response Team
To: leffrey@hotmail
Date: 17/05/2011

Thank you for writing.

Judgement Day begins at around 6 PM in every time zone. It will start in the first time zone to hit May 21, and the earthquakes will roll across the earth hitting each time zone at around 6 PM.

May God bless you, The EBF Response Team

I have to say, without facetiousness, I do find it very sweet that they would bother writing to a stranger in Australia when their remaining time is so short. Not that we’ve been overlooked previously – they’ve been good enough to start a billboard campaign here to help save a few more helpless antipodean souls. Check it out – there’s one near you.

I also have to say, that is some seriously organised shit being unloaded by the Lord. Rolling earthquakes implemented by timezone? Military precision, friends. And 6 pm – a good, civilised time, not dragging us out of bed, just in time for newscasters to start losing control right there in the studio. ABC News, coming at 7, will have the major scoop. Channel Ten, first at five, is going to get stooged. Some questions remain unanswered, though. What about timezones that are rejigged for political convenience? None of the zones have geographically consistent lines. All of China is on Beijing time – so is Tibet going to get its earthquakes several hours before Nepal, right next door? And will the implementation of daylight saving time actually bring forward the relevant nations’ divine destruction?

The bad news, of course, is that we go first. Apart from the Kiwis. Suck on that, eh bro. Still, at least we know where we stand.

And if you want to see off the end of the world in the best possible fashion, come down to Little Lonsdale Street that evening, where I’ll be onstage as part of Word is Born (details here), an apocalypse-sized night of hip-hop and spoken word. The earthquakes may start rumbling before the gig gets underway, but as the dead begin to rise, there’ll be no better way to see the whole glorious mess through to its finale than with good friends and a good show. It’s the end of the world, folks. We might as well be hammered.


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16 Responses to Apocalypse timezones confirmed! Three days to judgement…

  1. Simo says:

    “The bible guarantees it”. So…if it doesn’t deliver do we get a cash refund, a store credit, formal apology or a complimentary double pass to heaven?

    • geoff lemon says:

      Yet another case in which we’re still waiting on details. I would encourage you to contact Harold Camping to clarify.

  2. Elsa says:

    Reckon they could postpone it til after the weekend?

  3. Duncan says:

    Geoff, any idea where I can get one of these before Saturday?


    It’s to bad that none of them are amphibious so I can cross the dateline, those extra 24 hours would have been handy to cross a few things off my to-do list.

  4. DC says:

    And I thought it was only in Manila. Spotted one on España Blvd. And if it’s being advertised in the Philippines, you know it’s true…

  5. Bondles says:

    Sweet! Plenty of time to check for vanishing Kiwis and repent before it gets here!

    • geoff lemon says:

      That is a simply outstanding strategy, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.

      Mind you, if mighty earthquakes are the sign, not sure if the Shaky Isles are our best barometer.

  6. Mike says:

    So, does that mean California and Hawaii will experience the tsunamis before the rolling earthquakes make their way around the world? Or are the earthquakes two-bit tremors that aren’t capable of creating tsunamis? If that’s the case, why get all worried about them?

  7. Jesse says:

    Great, this means i’l be able to repent before the judgement day hits Europe.


  8. jabba says:

    “Infallible Proof” = The Emergence of Hipsters.
    Mistranslated in the book of revelations – it should read: “So came the four Fixed-Geared Cyclists of the Apocalypse”

    Seriously – I hope this zombie carpenter dude fancies Hipsters – ’cause then in the Rapture, they’ll all piss off to heaven and leave me the f*#@ alone.

    … But Heaven would probably be too f*#@ing mainstream for them, anyway. Sucked in God.

  9. Raili says:

    The G man’s got his shit together alright. Always has had. And the apocalypse is a perfect opportunity for both proselytising and event promotion.

  10. jabba says:

    Less than 24 hours to go?


  11. Ira Vorhees says:

    Did this ever happen?

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