The world ends in nine days

It’s only fair to let you know that the world is ending in nine days. Probably eight by the time you read this. Not metaphorically, not symbolically, but actually, Day of Judgementally, being destroyed. Yes, I know we all thought it was 2012. But it transpires that it’s actually due for May 21, 2011.

Some of you will be sceptical, but let me reassure you this is on excellent authority. It’s not often we get to test the assertions of religious leaders in a concrete sense, but my source in this case, a learned and deep-thinking scholar, has given assurances such as “the Bible guarantees it”, and “infallible proof.” If those words are good enough for orange-juicer sales, they’re definitely good enough for the end of life as we know it.

If the Bible’s cameo in that last paragraph didn’t give it away, then yes, we know the cause of the universal End. Not the Vogons, not the Arcturians, but that old prankster Jehovah, Yahweh, the man upstairs.

The bearer of this news is the Christian organisation Family Radio. I won’t detail the conclusions drawn, you can do that on their site (write FamilyRadio and add a .com). But in short, a deep numerical analysis of the Bible has revealed there were to be 722,500 days between the crucifixion and Judgement Day. (They also reveal that the crucifixion happened on April 1 – read into that what you will.) Add the numbers together, and May 21 this year is the stone-cold factual result.

If you want it colder and stonier, further evidence is tendered in the fine treatise “Gay Pride: A Sign of the End”, fittingly authored by Harold Camping. This academic tour de force is well worth devoting some of your few remaining hours to perusing. Biblical scholar Camping is in fact the prime mover behind Family Radio and their astonishing publications. All I can say is, thank goodness his followers have been able to do so much good work with the impressionable youngsters of developing countries through initiatives like Project Caravan, and with impressionable young whales through initiatives like Project Jonah.

If you need any more convincing, I also requested their press pack, which is full of extra useful information and assurances. “Mr. Camping has been a tireless student of the Bible for over five decades.  The tens of thousands of hours he has spent analyzing the Bible has given him a unique perspective of the entirety of Scripture.  He has dedicated his life to prepare himself to answer questions raised concerning God’s Word to man.” Nailed.

I know this will come as something of a shock – here I was making a magazine to launch at a Melbourne Writers Festival that will never happen, planning a trip to a Splendour in the Grass that will be more Rapture in the Ash, getting accreditation for a summer Test tour in which now, mercifully, Australia will be spared humiliation. We all thought we had more time. But now, at least, I’ve given you all a week or so to get your affairs in order, visit your maiden aunts, shoot your pets who’ll be left behind, tick off any dirty fetish frenzies that remain on your to-do lists, and leave time to get to confessional and prayer to make sure you enter the day in question cleansed and pure. This is a particular nudge in the ribs to the homos – sort yourselves out, people. Plenty of time for that stuff once you’ve got your wings.

The only thing we don’t know is exactly when on May 21 this will happen. Bear in mind that from 00:00 at GMT+12 to 23:59 at GMT-12, it will be May 21 somewhere in the world for a full 48 hours. Obviously a clearer knowledge of this would be a big help to my dog-shooting schedule, so I’ve written as per my email below to seek clarification.

It’s not a one-day deal, I should note. Here’s how things unroll. “A great earthquake will occur… so powerful it will throw open all graves…  The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description.  Each day people will die until October 21, 2011 when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.”

As a last note, FR even ask the question some of you will be asking. “What if May 21 ends and nothing occurs?” Their answer: “The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong.”

You heard it here first. Although I will just say… if by some remote chance the numbers are ever so slightly amiss, and things don’t exactly pan out as expected, I’d really love it if everyone could write to Harold at one minute past midnight on May 22 – timezone of your choice – and politely request an explanation.

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________

To: familyradio@familyradio.org
Date: 8 May 2011 14:17

Dear Family Radio, Harold, and everyone,

Thank-you all so much for the for the great information about May 21. I’ve been coming back to your site and watching the countdown since November last year, when a blessed friend alerted me to its existence.

Just wondering, do you know what timezone The Rapture will start in? Obviously May 21 will start at the International Date Line, which is 12 hours behind Greenwich Mean Time, so it will be May 21 on the Marshall Islands and some other small Pacific islands before anywhere else. Then four hours later it will be May 21 on the Pacific coast of the US (-8 GMT), but it won’t be May 21 on the east coast for three more hours after that. Then in five more hours it will tick over in Greenwich. I’m guessing GMT is the most likely marker, but it could be Washington or Jerusalem too (which is GMT +2). I live on the east coast of Australia, so we’re at GMT +10, a long way behind the times.

Also, is it likely to start immediately after we pass midnight? Or is it more likely to happen at the end of the day, or the following evening? Because if we go all the way through the timezones, New Zealand is GMT +12. So May 21 will only be starting in Wellington when it’s just ended in the Marshall Islands. And May 21 won’t end in New Zealand for another 24 hours after that. Or, have I just got the whole thing backwards, and all those timezones go in reverse? Man, this is confusing. Either way, it means there’s actually a whole 48-hour block when things could happen, but I can’t find any information to indicate when it might be. I guess the other option is it could be in stages according to timezone?

Anyway, if you could let me know any information you might have, that’d be great. Obviously we all have a lot of things to organise before The Rapture, and an extra 24 or hours or so would be really handy.

Thank-you so much, and God bless.

 

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11 Responses to The world ends in nine days

  1. Pez Rojo says:

    te doy una pista de lo que van a hacer cuando amanezcamos el 22…

    http://motherjones.com/politics/2011/03/denial-science-chris-mooney

    por eso nos consuela que la historia, como nuestra tierra, es redonda…a cada rato llegamos al punto de partida, y ya reconocemos el paisaje.

  2. geoff lemon says:

    We can even listen to their radio show, presuming they’re not busy packing. 10.30 am should be about the right time to stream it from their website (if I have my timezones right…)

  3. BravoCharlie says:

    Aight.. so I’ll keep 4 bullets (err .. ok a mallet, god bless Vic. gun control laws) for the 22nd of October then, to be sure to be sure, that should do the cats, me and the housemate, though if we are still alive by the 22nd I would have had to use the bullets and the mallet in surviving the ‘world of horror and destruction’ up until that point.. so confusing… but hey, they have a nice video;

    “Judgement Day May 21” – The Bible Guarantees It – ..Cry mightily unto God c/o http://www.familyradio.com/may21/

    (If you can, ask them how they did the 3d layering of the images and get back to me before the rapture so I can have a shot at it, kthxbai)

  4. Tim says:

    Err… Geoff, I’m pretty sure The Rapture will hit the east coast of Australia a good few hours *before* it hits Jerusalem, London or Washington, unless part of the whole thing is that the world starts spinning in reverse (plausible, I admit).

    Also, is it timed to GMT, or does daylight savings mess things up? It would be awkward if our Northern Hemisphere friends decided to shoot the pets an hour early, for example.

    I am tempted to fly to Hawaii on the 20th to maximise my warning time.

    • geoff lemon says:

      “And the sun shall rise in the West and die in the East.”

      I’m not sure if that’s in the Bible, but it sounds plausible. And look, I said there’s a reason why they don’t let poets do the budget. This is why I wrote to Harold in the first place, to figure out this shit ahead of time. Daylight savings is another factor that confuses things.

      Hawaii on the 20th sounds like a plan. It’d be a nice place to go out, too.

  5. stacy says:

    We haven’t had a good Judgement Day prophecy since the 90s. Good on the kooky Christian sects to bring back that enjoyable sense of impending doom. The Mayans gave us centuries to prepare, which is totally boring.

    I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.

  6. Kris says:

    Nice to know that Mr Camping is sorting out the Gays, he he. Has he replied to your email and can you post said reply? I´m in Germany and you all might die before me so don´t leave this to the last minute only to forget it Geoff, otherwise I will be left to die in suspense!

  7. Harrison says:

    This wont happen, taken things out of context. Have fun.

  8. Lord Charos says:

    Wow… can you imagine what it would be like for them, broadcasting at the moments they believe the world will end, and then having the entire world continue normally like it has since the dawn of civilisation? Can you imagine their faces, as they are confronted with the news that all across the world, NOTHING has happened. Oh, how I would pay to be there to laugh in their faces…. how sweet it would be…

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