Kanye turns to accountants for illumination

Accounting giants KPMG have been commissioned to conduct an ambitious study for idiosyncratic rap star Kanye West. West has apparently turned to the firm to deduce exactly what proportion of the lights will need to be turned up in order for y’all to see this, as well as that required for you to see everything, for you to see everything. A timetable for the roll-out of his proposed lighting changes has not been presented, but West’s management have promised implementation in a timely fashion. “We just want to be extra sure that we have the numbers right on this,” said West’s manager Don C. “This isn’t the kind of project that anyone wants to rush into.” The KPMG move came after the firm’s study into what proportion of the night would best be employed by soul singer Lionel Ritchie.

West has previously pledged to turn the lights up “extra bright” to achieve his end, but is yet to give any detail on what percentage of the light base might be employed, nor the potential carbon footprint ramifications of his scheme. KPMG’s Asia-Pacific chairman, though, suggested that a very large proportion of the lights will need to be put into service. Michael Andrew posited at yesterday’s press conference that “given the scope of the project that Mr West has proposed, we are considering any and all scenarios, up to and including full utilisation of illuminary resources.” Suggestions thus far have included, but not been limited to, cop lights, flash lights, spot lights, strobe lights, and street lights. Representatives from the Sri Lankan Dancing Union have started a Facebook campaign for strobes to be given priority.

Further fuel was added to the full-implementation debate by West’s recent drunken comments outside a Minneapolis nightclub, that his turning up the lights was in fact to aid you in seeing all of the lights. His circular logic has confused pundits, while West also angered local traders by stating he would make “Vegas everywhere we are.” It’s no less than we’ve come to expect from the eccentric musician, who also contended via Twitter that fur pillows were in fact quite obstructive to a good night’s rest.

KPMG will also look into the collapse of chain book retailer Borders, particularly its impact on West’s management of child custody and relationship issues.

Is this enough? West runs some early tests on appropriate lighting levels.


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10 Responses to Kanye turns to accountants for illumination

  1. Sum says:

    kanye handle all of the lights?

  2. Bhakthi says:

    LOLing up in here right now.

  3. Raili says:

    Dear Geoff,

    Thankyou for your illuminating piece, shedding light on this critical issue.

    I do hope the results of the study will be made publicly available, to enable fans to assess implentation of the recommendations.


  4. Sam says:

    That’s really funny!

  5. Marc says:

    Tooshay 😉

  6. Jem says:

    Dayme, you gots the hottest stories from around the globes.

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