2. The vampire lord of the Parliament

If you’ll permit me the liberty, here’s a further selection of things that I deemed excellent by some erratic system of reasoning that is all my own.


“Phillip Ruddock is the vampire lord of the Parliament. He looks like he survived the Holocaust by feasting on his cell mates.”

The Meat Tray

“Love Collections?? We have several opportunities beginning in the New Year for experienced & enthusiastic Collections associates. Interviewing now!”

Job ad. Should read: “Love telephoning people and threatening them for money? We have several opportunities for experienced and enthusiastic people-threateners. Interviewing now!”

Again, not a quote, but you really should see the heartwarming Indian smash hit, Impatient Vivek.


“Fremantle have stolen a sensational two-point victory from Brisbane at the Gabba tonight, handing the Lions more heart-breaking woe after a pre-season wracked by floods and Brendan Fevola.”

This just gives me an image of a fifty-foot Fevola laying waste to Brisbane. Just… wracking things.


“What are you doing here?”
“I follow you home, because I like you.”
“Nice! Good! Because I knew that… wait, all the way home?”
“So you saw me eat that Hot Pocket I found in the garbage?”
“Any…thoughts on that?”
“Oh man, I like you. Come on in.”

Charlie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia


“It’s been a good innings by Hilfenhaus.”
“Yes, it has. He’s used all of his bat, too. Not one of those fellows who just uses the middle.”
“Well, you’ve paid for all of it, you might as well use it.”

Roebuck and Morphett discuss tail-end batting.


I am downloading movies. The H-Department is next to me, on the phone. His operator puts him on hold, and he wants to find the sim card number she needs before she gets back. I don’t know where it is.
HD: “Geez, you’re failing under pressure… I wouldn’t like to see you during sex.”
Me: “Um… no, you probably wouldn’t.”
HD “Oh, so is that why you have a photo of me projected on your ceiling then? Just a little bit of extra impetus. Yeah, it’s ok, Lemon. So when you’re watching The Basketball Diaries and jacking off you can glance over and… Oh, hi Sheree. Didn’t realise you were there.”


“Other Afghanistan-trained members of the GMIP include Nasori Saesaeng (Awae Keleh) and Wae Ali Copter.”

Whey! Helicopter!


“Male body hair removal: http://www.mysmoothlegs.com.”



“A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.”

Francoise Sagan.


“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”

Charles Bukowski


“When things go wrong and will not come right
Though you do the best you can
When life looks black as the hour of night
A pint of plain is your only man.”

Flann O’Brien


Bronco, via internet chat:
I worked one day this week.
One day.
And it was enough to make me crazy.
its not about Mondays, man.
its about work.

Yes. Work is the devil.
I am writing about Meredith Music Festival. That’s my work.

I wish I could invite cunts over to bring eskies and silly shorts to help me “work” like you.
If I had an engineering whip, I would whip you with it.
I want to write about festivals.
I want to write about cricket.
Instead I wrote a hoist brake failure investigation on BI 495 electric cable shovels.





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