1. If she says lol, say lol back!

And now, to share some of the funniest and stupidest things I have overhead, read, or been told in the last few months.

Also, an apology: a number of people have asked why Heathen Scripture has been so quiet. By the end of this month I will have read, watched, or listened to something like 2500 submissions for Going Down Swinging, as well as writing several columns per week, and other miscellany. Then I’ll be making said magazine. But I realised I do have a bunch of excellent bits and pieces previously put aside, so over the next few weeks I’m going to release these as a series. (The hint will be the number in the title.) After that I’ll have more time to write the stories and essays and arguments that I like doing for this site. Brimming with ideas at the moment, just need time to write them down. Also, a few people have pitched ideas for me to discuss recently, which is a nice development, so do that do if you’re so inclined.

Now, to the ridiculousness and amazingness of other people.


 

“Project 52 is back for the year! Let’s all be grateful it’s a comedy night and not some kind of awful, racist jaguar.”

Ben Jenkins

 

“I have all the morality of a drunk eight-year-old and the self-awareness of a cold bag of ham.”

Daniel O’Brien.

 

“It makes excellent use of Bruce Willis’s usual tough-guy charm and Milla Jovovich’s uncanny ability to look insanely hot while dressed like Raggedy Ann on meth.”

Re The Fifth Element.

 

“My eyes automatically land on ’19 year old girl in impossibly tiny shorts #843’ and I slam my hormones into reverse, taking several other emotions with them. The distant sounds of Paul Kelly blend with the over-simplified three-chord rock across from me, creating the equivalent of trying to read Lolita while listening to an audio book of Zoo magazine. God I hate festivals.”

The Bedroom Philosopher

 

“In the square, the mood ricocheted between exuberance and trepidation. ‘Mubarak burned this country and gave it over to thieves,’ said a sign held by an angry-looking man. Another protestor took a more lighthearted approach. ‘Leave!’ his placard read. ‘My arms are tired of holding up this sign.’”

 

“Assange said he had a traditional Swedish crayfish party to attend and needed a power nap, so they lay side by side on the grass and he fell asleep. “

 

“Nannes said his dreams of being a fast bowler were restricted to the days he fell asleep on the couch with a piece of salami in his hand watching West Indian greats rip through the Australian batting in the 1980s.”

Indian cricket website

 

“I bought some items from a commercial site, because of the unique channel of purchases, product prices unexpected, I think you can go to see: high-quality products can also attract you.”

Spam

Badassange. Crayfish mafia.

 

“Fuck, I just dropped a capsicum.”
“Yeah, I dropped one about an hour ago. It’s starting to kick in. “

Trippers trying to cook at Rainbow Serpent

 

Not a quote, but I was delighted when I realised that ‘dishevelled’ actually stems from the word dechavalliered – literally, ‘unhorsed’.

 

“Parrot singing opera: official video.”

YouTube

 

“Was that the rollercoaster? Er… fire hydrant? Fire extinguisher!”

Best Australian Stories writer Patrick Lenton’s struggle with the term ‘smoke alarm’.

 

“I just think you’re so full of magic, you’re like a big round wizard.”

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

 

“I’m so glad you didn’t bring dip. Once you have dip it’s all over. It’s a gateway food.”

Sparky

The binned campaign that could have changed British Labour's fortunes.

 

“Warning. These Women Will Actively Message You. Studies show Russian Girls are Very Attracted to Western Men.”

Even better spam. From scientists.


“Hello Chris – this is Grandma signing in via firefox.”

Blog comment

 

How Do I Become Close Friends With This Girl On Facebook? (Answers.com)

Ok there this girl on Facebook she’s 19 and im 21 she has the same favorite team as me (New York Giants) so I added her on both the Giants site and Facebook she is very beautiful. I was chatting with her on Facebook last night she seems really cool. She lives in Dallas and I live in Atlanta so yea different states but im really starting to like her. My question is how do I become close friends with her? How do I keep chatting with her on Facebook? Can anyone help?

 

Answers (2)
Answerer 1

When you know her better ask her to visit you or you go visit her! Do web cam or skype and if you both have iphone’s then maybe you could FaceTime with her. But leave her nice comments on profile pics and stuff like”Oh I like the shirt” “Your eyes look really nice there!” ” I like your pants/ shirt/ sandals etc…” Anyway just get to know her better and ask her favorite color, singer, artist, album, music video, soccer team, or tennis, her favorite sport and the more you have in common the better chance you have to actually see her. Try to make her smile! Try to go on the application called ” Social Interview” and go into the section love/ romace and then flip through some questions and answer one about her. Like maybe the question will be ” Do you think whatever her name is, is pretty” and you might answer sort of or yes she is quite pretty, or answer half and tell her that her eyes are pretty. Go on tinychat.com and have discussions with her. There are many things you can do but if you like her (or think she is beautiful) I recommend

– Using your webcam programs like Skype and etc

– Complimenting her online

– Using the fb application social interview and answer things about her

– Use the kiss face on facebook it is like this :* and it will turn into a kiss automatically and if she says ewww say just kidding or if she giggles, or says lol say lol back!

– Ask her to visit, or if she could visit

– If she has online dating sites, that increases your chances of being together

But rember, 19 she still has school and you never know if she has a secret crush waiting there for her or if she likes someone else so ask her. Make sure on facebook you have a profile picture of yourself so she gets an idea of what you’re like. I hope I help🙂

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8 Responses to 1. If she says lol, say lol back!

  1. Ben Ainslie says:

    I like the premise the last part of this post operates under. In my head it goes something like this…

    “So I was just surfing around answers.com, totally not looking at how to become better friends with a 19 year old stranger via facebook, when this hilarious question popped up about how a dude should go about becoming better friends with a 19 year old via facebook. Here, lets all laugh and laugh at the hilarious answer together! (totally wasn’t looking at how to become better friends with a 19 year old stranger via facebook. Seriously)”

    And no, I’m not sure how someone speaks in parenthesis while being quoted, it’s all taking place in my head, just go with it.

  2. Another example of my scathing wit and well considered wordage.

    Also, Ben Jenkins is just trying to lure appreciative comedy fans into his awful racist jaguar maw.

  3. jabba says:

    Aw, man…

    …I was psyched to see what “Answerer #2” had to suggest…

  4. Ben K says:

    “Fuck, I just dropped a capsicum.”
    “Yeah, I dropped one about an hour ago. It’s starting to kick in. “

    Trippers trying to cook at Rainbow Serpent

    I frickin LOVE this. Was this someone in our camp?

    • geoff says:

      Indeed it was, sir. May have been Shona? The reply may have been from me. Memory hazy. Only the joke remains🙂

  5. ignari says:

    re: dishevelled.

    from: Asociación Cultural Antonio de Nebrija.

    gringo
    Muchas historias interesantes se han contado sobre el origen de esta palabra. Una de ellas narra que gringo surgió del sistema de señales de los trenes ingleses, cuando éstos fueron instalados en México, según los cuales la luz verde indicaba que el paso estaba abierto: green go (verde, ir). En otra versión se afirma que, cuando los norteamericanos invadieron México en 1847 vistiendo sus uniformes verdes, los nativos, que al parecer dominaban el inglés, los rechazaban gritando ¡green go! (¡váyanse, verdes!).

    Sin embargo, estas etimologías son falsas. La palabra gringo aparecía ya en el diccionario de Esteban de Terreros, publicado entre 1765 y 1783, casi un siglo antes de que los norteamericanos invadieran México, once años antes de la independencia de Estados Unidos y sesenta años antes de que George Stevenson hiciera circular el primer ferrocarril en Gran Bretaña.

    ¿De dónde viene, entonces, gringo?

    En la Edad Media existía la costumbre de mencionar las locuciones en latín acompañadas de su versión en griego, pero en cierta época la Iglesia católica determinó que la comprensión de la lengua de Aristóteles no era necesaria para la erudición católica. A partir de ese momento, el griego fue considerado un idioma extraño y, como tal, símbolo de cualquier habla incomprensible. En latín medieval surgió la expresión graecum est, non potest legi (es griego, no se puede leer) para referirse a cualquier lengua extranjera.

    En el segundo tomo del Quijote se dice: «…esto para los labradores era hablarles en griego o en gerigonça».

    En el ya mencionado diccionario de Esteban de Terreros se explica así:

    gringos llaman en Málaga a los extranjeros, que tienen cierta especie de acento, que los priva de una locución fácil y natural castellana, y en Madrid dan el mismo nombre con particularidad a los irlandeses.
    En América, el vocablo se popularizó con variantes: en México es usado casi exclusivamente para referirse a los estadounidenses; en el Río de la Plata se aplicó en la primera mitad del siglo xx a los italianos, aunque actualmente se tiende a usarlo para denominar también a los norteamericanos.

    Según Corominas, la alteración fonética de ‘griego’ a ‘gringo’ se habría procesado en dos tiempos: primero, de griego a grigo, una reducción normal en castellano, y más tarde, de grigo a gringo .

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