A win for diversity. I am brimming with religious tolerance having read some douchebag minister’s contention that the Queensland floods were a punishment from God because Kevin Rudd criticised Israel a month ago. One thing we can learn from this is that God rather tends to tardiness. Another is that you’re not necessarily being unfair if you think that people from religious cults tend toward the slightly odd.
Catch the Fire is the name of this particular bunch of batshitters, though to me the name sounds much more like a proselytising order to contract chlamydia. “Catch the Fire, brothers and sisters! Part your legs for the Lord!” Just for reference, this douchebag is a douchebag named Daniel Nalliah, whose name I am only writing in the hope that he Googles himself and realises that he is a douchebag. He is the same douchebag who said the Victorian bushfires were punishment for Brumby ‘decriminalising’ abortion, despite it having been legal in essence since the last attempted prosecution failed in 1969. God apparently makes quite the distinction between de facto legality and altering criminal statutes to reflect judicial practice. It’s all a little reminiscent of that charming gent in the States who told us that September 11 only went down because of all the homosexuals and the secular schools. Presumably working in some sort of shadowy league that remains obscured to we the gullible masses.
So I had a look at the Contract Chlamydia website (also known as Clap for Jesus), where I found the following little gems. Seems that even though we deserve the floods for insulting Israel, the Chlammies are still praying for the floods to stop. “I hope you received my last email on Saturday regarding the floods in QLD,” wrote the web pastor, “calling on the church to repent and pray for our nation. I hope many of you are standing in the gap in prayer, repentance and fasting. As per the warning we received from the Lord at the all night prayer meeting last Friday, we were told that much more disaster was yet to come, but if we as the church would stand in the gap for our nation that we could avert the disaster.”
Well, you’re doing a bang-up job so far, guys. Disaster averted. Coffee and jam tarts for everyone.
It gets better though. E-preacher then called on “all Christians in Victoria” to assemble on the steps of Parliament the next day, for a prayer meeting “to ask God to forgive us and save our land from any further disaster.” Great, can’t hurt. And then, the next day, came the report about the prayer meeting.
“Firstly, We want to praise and thank our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for stopping the rain just in time in downtown Melbourne, so that we could have the prayer meeting on the steps of Parliament. For those of you living out of Melbourne, there was heavy rain pouring down all night and early morning, but after we prayerfully asked our faithful Heavenly Father to stop the rain so that we could have the prayer meeting, He answered our prayers. Glory to God.”
So… you were going to skip out on praying for massive floods to stop because – it was raining. And then you all prayed to God to stop the rain… in Melbourne? So that you could all pray again, to… but… WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST ASK HIM TO STOP THE RAIN IN QUEENSLAND? What the hell is wrong with you muppets? Circuitous route, much? And then you’re telling me he personally intervened, he actually popped by and pointed shooing fingers at the clouds in Melbourne, so that you could have a meeting, to ask him to stop some other rain, somewhere else… but he just doesn’t quite have time to go to Queensland and do the same up there. Because it’s STILL FUCKING RAINING in Queensland, if you weren’t all too distracted by your Eric Clap-burn to notice. Nothing has changed. Shit is getting worse, tipped to be hitting its worst in the next hour or so.
But that’s ok. That’s ok because God stopped the rain for you. When you’re tight with the Lord he looks out for your mild convenience. And you guys keeping your socks dry was far more important than all the towns that are actually underwater. Well done, well done, you bunch of utterly deluded self-important sanctimonious dishrags. I hope you piss needles for the rest of your life.