How 'bout you Catch on Fire, you sanctimonious arse-clowns

A win for diversity. I am brimming with religious tolerance having read some douchebag minister’s contention that the Queensland floods were a punishment from God because Kevin Rudd criticised Israel a month ago. One thing we can learn from this is that God rather tends to tardiness. Another is that you’re not necessarily being unfair if you think that people from religious cults tend toward the slightly odd.

Catch the Fire is the name of this particular bunch of batshitters, though to me the name sounds much more like a proselytising order to contract chlamydia. “Catch the Fire, brothers and sisters! Part your legs for the Lord!” Just for reference, this douchebag is a douchebag named Daniel Nalliah, whose name I am only writing in the hope that he Googles himself and realises that he is a douchebag. He is the same douchebag who said the Victorian bushfires were punishment for Brumby ‘decriminalising’ abortion, despite it having been legal in essence since the last attempted prosecution failed in 1969. God apparently makes quite the distinction between de facto legality and altering criminal statutes to reflect judicial practice. It’s all a little reminiscent of that charming gent in the States who told us that September 11 only went down because of all the homosexuals and the secular schools. Presumably working in some sort of shadowy league that remains obscured to we the gullible masses.

So I had a look at the Contract Chlamydia website (also known as Clap for Jesus), where I found the following little gems. Seems that even though we deserve the floods for insulting Israel, the Chlammies are still praying for the floods to stop. “I hope you received my last email on Saturday regarding the floods in QLD,” wrote the web pastor, “calling on the church to repent and pray for our nation.  I hope many of you are standing in the gap in prayer, repentance and  fasting. As per the warning we received from the Lord at the all night prayer meeting last Friday, we were told that much more disaster was yet to come, but if we as the church would stand in the gap for our nation that we could avert the disaster.”

Well, you’re doing a bang-up job so far, guys. Disaster averted. Coffee and jam tarts for everyone.

It gets better though. E-preacher then called on “all Christians in Victoria” to assemble on the steps of Parliament the next day, for a prayer meeting “to ask God to forgive us and save our land from any further disaster.” Great, can’t hurt. And then, the next day, came the report about the prayer meeting.

“Firstly, We want to praise and thank our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ for stopping the rain just in time in downtown Melbourne, so that we could have the prayer meeting on the steps of Parliament. For those of you living out of Melbourne, there was heavy rain pouring down all night and early morning, but after we prayerfully asked our faithful Heavenly Father to stop the rain so that we could have the prayer meeting, He answered our prayers. Glory to God.”

So… you were going to skip out on praying for massive floods to stop because – it was raining. And then you all prayed to God to stop the rain… in Melbourne? So that you could all pray again, to… but… WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST ASK HIM TO STOP THE RAIN IN QUEENSLAND? What the hell is wrong with you muppets? Circuitous route, much? And then you’re telling me he personally intervened, he actually popped by and pointed shooing fingers at the clouds in Melbourne, so that you could have a meeting, to ask him to stop some other rain, somewhere else… but he just doesn’t quite have time to go to Queensland and do the same up there. Because it’s STILL FUCKING RAINING in Queensland, if you weren’t all too distracted by your Eric Clap-burn to notice. Nothing has changed. Shit is getting worse, tipped to be hitting its worst in the next hour or so.

But that’s ok. That’s ok because God stopped the rain for you. When you’re tight with the Lord he looks out for your mild convenience. And you guys keeping your socks dry was far more important than all the towns that are actually underwater. Well done, well done, you bunch of utterly deluded self-important sanctimonious dishrags. I hope you piss needles for the rest of your life.

"Praise Jesus! I am dry as a motherfucker. Not even mildly damp. Keep us dry, Lord. Also, my meter is running low - could you get that? Oh, and bring back Vice Versas. Remember, those white and dark chocolate things? Yeah, they were sweet."

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9 Responses to How 'bout you Catch on Fire, you sanctimonious arse-clowns

  1. Sum says:

    give them the clap

  2. jabba says:

    My God has a hammer.

    Yours was nailed to a cross.

    …Questions?

    Good. F*#@ Off.

  3. Cherns says:

    These people are incredible. Come worship our all-loving, all-forgiving God of the universe and do as he days or he will flood your town, driving people from their homes and drowning mothers with their infant children. I mean seriously guys the inherent logical inconsistency of an omnipotent, loving god has been around since before Christianity, and announcing God as being responsible for disasters only highlights the problem. In the words of Epicurus:
    “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
    Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing?
    Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing?
    Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing?
    Then why call him God?”

    • geoff says:

      They always come back to the ‘God works in mysterious ways’ argument. That there is some overarching plan and purpose that we are too puny and cheaply-built to divine or appreciate. Which convinces them, but fails a very simple interrogation.

      So God has a desired endpoint (A), and the way to achieve A necessitates the visitation of pain / misery / floods / eight-year-olds with leukaemia. Therefore it is acceptable for said trials to exist, because attaining A is of utmost divine important. But – if God is truly omnipotent, then he would be able to come up with, not just some other ways, but an infinite number of ways, to attain A. Meaning that the pain and misery are totally avoidable. Meaning whatever God’s mysterious purpose, it could attained by eating pavlova, or lying on the beach, or getting a blowjob, if God wished this to be the case. Or, being omnipotent, he could just make it so, calling A into being without actually needing to get there via means of progression. These are perks to being all-powerful.

      Thus God’s mysterious purpose does not require misery. Thus if God exists, he elects to attain A via visiting misery upon us, when he could equally elect not to. All-loving indeed.

      Which doesn’t even bring into account the vengeance argument that these fucksticks like to promote. Like you, I find the proposition that ‘God is all-loving, but prepared to kill a random selection of you in huge fires in order to emphasise a moral point’ to be particularly abhorrent, and something that, should such a God exist, would make me reject outright any idea of worshipping such a monster.

      • cherny says:

        Yep, in summary: if he is loving then he is not omnipotent. If he is omnipotent then he cannot be loving.

        Kinda redundant philosophising about the logical inconsistencies in the characteristics of an entity for the existance of whom there is no evidence.. but interesting nonetheless.

  4. Anth says:

    If you google Daniel Nalliah douchebag this doesn’t even come up on the first page of results…

  5. Anth says:

    Why do fundies all look the same? Have they worked out cloning? That’s why they’re against it, they want to be the only ones to have their clone army.

  6. Rabbi says:

    I have a mild amount of sympathy for individual fundies. The followers are generally people who are looking for reason, or sense, or some sort of order, to justify the unpleasantness previously visited upon them. It is very easy for us to dismiss, malign and marginalise the followers, but if you have ended up following a radical then there is a reasonable chance you have not had a particularly wonderful life and are looking for a justification. Forcing people to abandon comforting falsehoods is not necessarily the most humane path.

    That said, the leaders of such organisations should be seriously put to task as often as possible. Inciting people to hate others for quite spurious reasons is abominable.

    And why do these people always fixate on the Old Testament? I don’t believe in any form of supernatural “God” but “treat thy neighbour as thyself” is a pretty good practical approach to life. But people always skip that part. It’s quite sad.

  7. TimT says:

    Hey Geoff, two points
    1) Danny Nahlia is a dick.
    2) Death is total: everyone dies. It makes no sense to blame God for *only* the deaths of people in the Queensland floods, or the Victorian bushfires, as if these were exceptional events. They’re not.
    And look at that, aren’t I pedantic. Have a nice weekend.

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