Keith Richards arthritis

You all know I’m a nerd. Just not a nerd with any appreciable computer skills. A nerd without the benefits, if you will, like being the size of a jockey but afraid of horses. So, I was pretty excited when I finally got Google Analytics working on this website. It tracks (anonymous) data about how many people are visiting a site, and where they come from. (When a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much, they have a kind of special hug.) The level of data and the ways you can cross-analyse it are staggering – truly nerd paradise.

But the nicest thing I learned is that lots of people are actually reading this blog. Apparently people like being part of popular things, so this should be reassuring for all of you. Well, popular by my standards, not necessarily by Perez Hilton’s. Between 600 and 700 visitors per month, with three-quarters of those being return readers. Which is way, way more than the very modest readership I was expecting. So, thanks a whole lot, it makes the effort I put into the posts very worthwhile to know that there are people wanting to read them, and coming back.

The data is crazy. It tells you how many people are visiting, how long they stay, which posts are most popular (my cathartic New Year’s rant, by a distance), and which sites have linked to you. You can analyse any given timeframe, and compare different ones. You can also find out which countries and even which cities you’re getting hits from. 55 countries so far, including Kenya, Fiji, Jamaica, Bangladesh, and the Palestinian Territories, and 208 cities. The internet is a weird thing.

But the funniest part? The funniest part is the Falkland Islands again. Since I wrote my post bagging the Falkland Islands for being freezing, dull, and inhospitable, I received 14 separate hits from the Falkland Islands themselves, and three of those translated into angry comments on my post. Now, those raw figures may not sound that impressive on their own, I’ll grant you. But – if you consider that the civilian population of the Falklands is only 2000 people, that means that 0.7 percent of the population read my post, and that 0.15 percent of them commented on it. Again, that might not sound so impressive, but in fact it represents an astonishingly high per capita rate of readership. If we applied those percentages to the population of Australia, this would equate to 154,000 page views, and the small matter of some 33,000 responses. Which by extension means that if I now write an article bagging India, I will receive 7,979,754 page views and 1,709,947 angry comments. Time to order some bigger servers.

(The numerical analysis also backs up my disputed analysis of the Islands themselves: it proves that living in the Falkland Islands is so impossibly desperately boring that their inhabitants have nothing to do but sit around Googling ‘The Falkland Islands’, in the futile hope that their non-country will have assumed some kind of relevance to somebody, anybody, anywhere, and thus they can feel just that little bit less pointless and alone.)

But actually the Falklands may be the second-funniest part in the end. The funniest part of Analytics would have to be the full list of terms people have typed into Google to land on your page. The Bedroom Philosopher has been publishing a list of highlights in his newsletters for years, and they’re routinely hilarious. I just never knew where he got them. Now I do. So obviously I’m going to steal his idea, and provide my own list below. All of these are one hundred percent true. So if you find some of them offensive, don’t blame me, blame the sick minds of internet users everywhere. It’s this kind of filth that the noble Stephen Conroy is trying to stamp out.

Search terms to find Heathen Scripture

sergio penis
“wimpey seahorse” drilling
buenos aires house paint
charlie brown cocaine
constance e little
circumcision geelong
did the british bayonet wounded argentine soldiers in the falkland war
don king in a headlock
ella ella after we leave yours is bleed after victorious
bottled cunts
falkland fish and chip shop
girl sucking type scriptures
grong grong torrent
ian thorpe aquatic centre –sidney +from highway
keith richards arthritis
kevin muscat’s wife
liam williams criminal
love my balls long time
love on my balls
make love to my balls
now i know my abc why don’t you come and suck my
of autralin male swimmers who has won the most numbe rof gold medals
places of interest Atherton tablelands
poem with now shut up and kiss me
porno drajina
pringles are moorish because
bolivian anal
pron beard
rosario rash
my testicles are making their journey south
shackleton chose because they looked funny
sad giant stories
shackleton’s boat crash
shitting stomach acid
they are called the falklands not the Malvinas
uruguay customs stupidity
wallpapers of facebook or fightbook
what is the spanish word for oven
what language is ella,ella,ey,ey,ey
who is baron von vaderham and darth vader
как объяснить слово сатинат

Thanks to the invaluable Cherny, we have translated that last entry to mean “how to explain the word satinato”. Further research shows that satinato is an Italian transitive verb meaning to glaze, to satin finish or gloss.  Well…whatever gets ‘em through the door, I guess. On a closing note, I was stoked to learn from Analytics that shortly before the Wordplay site died (it’s currently being reanimated) someone landed on it by Googling “where to find hookers in Kanchanaburi”. The class level just keeps on rising. I wonder if he stuck around to check out some high-quality spoken word?

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11 Responses to Keith Richards arthritis

  1. Finn says:

    My favourite one by far was ‘bottled cunts’.

  2. Anthony says:

    liam williams criminal

  3. Geoff Lemon says:

    I know! I know! That will only be funny for a handful of us, but shit…

    Hi Gleep.

  4. Bronwyn says:

    These pringles are making me moorish.

  5. Stacy says:

    Wow. I checked mine and 50% are about how to eat halawa, 40% are variations of my blog name and the remaining 10% are how to get the bus from Abu Dhabi to Dubai.

    Tho this was my favourite obscure reference…
    cameltoe scuba diving blogspot

    I think that sums up my blog pretty well.

  6. Paulina says:

    Geoff, I think you should write a post for every single one of those google results. Please start with “sad giant stories”.

  7. Chris K says:

    i love that someone must have waded through the probably ridiculously large amount of hits for porn tha ‘bolivian anal’ would have brought up and managed to find your page. I’m sure high-quality blog posts wasn’t what they were looking for but i hope they were pleasantly suprised and continued reading… you never know.

    • Geoff Lemon says:

      Mate, I can only hope. For the sake of the world and the children and the future of literature as we know it. I know that I like both anal porn and quality literature, so there must be others like me in a world this big.

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