South VI: Raving with the Ruskies

Double Entendre of the Day:
“Good morning. There are still high winds and swell, so the outside decks will remain closed. But we are doing excellent speed, so the trip should prove enjoyable.” Later: “We’ve continued doing excellent speed all day. We’ve come down a bit just recently for dinner, but we’re still doing very good speed now.”
Rupert calls in from Party Central.

I can just imagine this. The Russian captain up on the bridge, racking up huge lines on the instrument consoles, or the back of an atlas of nautical charts. Motioning us in with a broad grin. “Komm! Ve are doink yexcellent spyeed!” Cranking out 180 bpm industrial tech over the PA system. The first officer picking random locations on the chart to head for because they have funny names. The radio officer on the mic, having a long double-time D&M with a confused Chilean coastguard station about his childhood and how his relationship with his parents just, y’know, had like a really strong affect on him and that. Spotting objects on the radar panel that turn out to be misplaced rocks of meth. The cooks brewing up pots of 1-4B and Ribena in the galley. Doing pills on the bridge wings, talking to the passing albatross. I just feel like we really have some kind of connection, know what I mean? Like, we can’t even really talk properly, cos he’s a bird and everything, but we’re like, the same kind of spirit, and he’s watching over me.

Then, looking over the main map of the ship’s features, I start to notice a whole lot of other fun entries dotted around the ship. Read this list and then tell me there aren’t some serious munter parties happening on board the Akademik Sergey Vavilov.


To keep the kids occupied.





Hello boys.


Silly Russians got the words the wrong way round.



Always important to have options when you’re organising illegal raves.


Hang on, no-one told me Rabbi was on this ship…

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9 Responses to South VI: Raving with the Ruskies

  1. Stacy says:

    Hah! Geoff you’re a champion. That last comment made me laugh out loud in the office at work. Tho I don’t think they’d understand if I tried to explain it.

    I like the sound of a portable foam applicator. I’m sure that could come in handy at some stage.

  2. battler says:

    Could it be that “A class division” is part of the new Russian way of doing things, rather than no class divisions?

  3. cherny says:

    Hahaha some of the translations are atrocious, it’s like the Russian equivalent of Engrish. The last one for example actually reads: “portable exhaust fan”.

  4. cherny says:

    … there’s an urban legend that the CIA built a English – Russian translating machine in the late 50’s, when the phrase “out of sight, out of mind” was entered the machine translated it as “invisible idiot”.

  5. Geoff Lemon says:

    Yes! I’m so glad we got an authentic Russian speaker onto the site to clear that up. “Movable smoke consuming apparatus” indeed. Thanks Cherny. Could “invisible idiot” refer to Dick Cheney?

    My favourite Engrish I saw was in a Thai hostel: “Please do not touch the yellow-brown cat. She is anger and is biting you hurtly.”

    My favourite one on the internet is from Japan. “You cannot enter the castle because you are too dangerous.”

  6. rabbi says:

    Well done, you got me 🙂

  7. maze says:

    You had me at SAND BOX.

    Still grinning & ridiculously pleased to have stumbled on this blog (not via bottled cunts though)

  8. Geoff Lemon says:

    But somebody is out there googling ‘bottled cunts’, and I need more answers, dammit. Who? Why? What do they hope to achieve? What are their other top search results?

    Glad to hear you’re enjoying the read.

  9. Chris K says:

    so just out of curiosity i googled ‘bottled cunts’ and this is what i got (the first result no less!):

    i thought that was quite funny actually.

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